Billy Connolly credited as playing...
Uncle Monty
- Uncle Monty: Now, the children will be helping us extensively with the research in Peru. Do you have any experience with children?
- Count Olaf: [in disguise as Stephano] Children are strange and foreign to me. I never really was one. I do know that they are an important part of the ecosystem.
- Uncle Monty: We can have time for chit-chat later. What I need now is the work of a reader, an inventor, and a biter.
- Sunny: [in baby talk] My teeth are at your service, sir.
- Uncle Monty: I was wondering if you wouldn't mind milking Petunia for me?
- Count Olaf: Petunia? Well- uh- yeah. Sure. I'll take a shot at that.
- [Grabbing for snake with stick, unsure]
- Count Olaf: You know, they used to call me Old McDonald up at the milking lab. I used to milk these things all day long.
- [lifting snake]
- Count Olaf: But the little udders- they're hard to locate.
- Klaus Baudelaire: That's the Two-Headed Cobra!
- Uncle Monty: Well spotted!
- Violet Baudelaire: Is that a he or a she?
- Uncle Monty: I have no idea! I didn't think it polite to ask.
- Uncle Monty: My chief assistant, Gustav, took sick and phoned not one hour ago.
- Count Olaf: [as Stephano] He'd do anything to be here now.
- [cut to Gustav chained to the front of a speeding train and screaming]
- Violet Baudelaire: Uncle Monty, why are we going to Peru?
- Uncle Monty: Just this morning I was wondering, "How are we all going to get out of town together?" And I thought, "Peru." They have snakes in Peru, don't they?
- Violet Baudelaire: But why are we getting out of town?
- [Monty turns back to Violet, suddenly more paternal]
- Uncle Monty: Violet, do you know snakes are more afraid of you than you are of them?
- [Violet shakes her head no]
- Uncle Monty: Few people do. When threatened, a snake will retreat to a place that is quiet, safe, remote. A sanctuary. Where it can feel out of danger. That's why Peru.