- Steve: [playing "Hollywood Squares" with Andy] Oh, oh. Rosie O'Donnell. Tell him to get Rosie.
- Kenneth: Oh, yeah. Rosie.
- Tucker: No, too easy. Give him something hard.
- Ana: You guys had really rough childhoods, didn't you? Little bit rocky?
- Steve: Hey, sweetheart. Let me tell you something. You, uh, you have my permission. I ever turn into one of those things? Do me a favor, blow my fucking head off.
- Ana: [nods] Oh, yeah, you can count on that.
- Televangelist: Hell is overflowing. And Satan is sending his dead to us. Why? Because you have sex out of wedlock. You kill unborn children. You have man-on-man relations. Same-sex marriage. How do you think your god will judge you? Well, friends, now we know. When there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth.
- Michael: Truck's not gonna make it to Fort Pastor.
- Steve: No, forget the truck. That place is fucked, man. Bloodbath city.
- Kenneth: How do you know?
- Norma: We just came from there.
- Kenneth: Is everyone there dead?
- Steve: Or dead-ish.
- Kenneth: [more firm tone] Is everyone there dead?
- Steve: Yeah, in the sense that they all, sort of, fell down, and then... got up and... started eating each other.
- [C.J. is on the roof of Andy's Gun Works with a sniper rifle preparing to shoot a propane tank]
- Nicole: [in the store with Kenneth, Michael, and Terry] How will we know if he hits it?
- [there's a huge explosion]
- Terry: [Deleted scene/Unrated Version scene]
- [covers the corpses on the floor]
- Terry: Somebody should say something.
- Ana: Yeah.
- Michael: Glen?
- Glen: No.
- Ana: You worked in a church.
- Glen: I played the organ.
- CJ: Come on, man. You must've heard the priest say something about life and death.
- Glen: It was a job. I don't believe in God. I don't see how anyone could.
- CJ: Excuse me, not to shit on anyone's riff here, but let me see if I grasp this concept, okay? You're suggesting that we take some fucking parking shuttles and reinforce them with some aluminum siding, and then just head on over to the gun store where we watch our good friend Andy play some cowboy-movie, jump-on-the-covered-wagon bullshit? Then we're going to drive across the ruined city through a welcome committee of a few hundred thousand dead cannibals. All so we can sail off into the sunset on this fucking asshole's boat?
- [Points to Steve]
- CJ: Head for some island that for all we know doesn't even exist?
- Kenneth: Yeah.
- Tucker: Pretty much, yeah.
- Ana: [nods her head]
- Michael: Yeah.
- Steve: [gives a sarcastically enthusiastic "thumb up"]
- CJ: Okay. I'm in.
- Michael: Officer, sir, you do not want to go that way.
- Ana: Why? What's that way?
- Michael: It's pretty bad.
- Andre: It's hell.
- Kenneth: What about Fort Pastor?
- Andre: Maybe if you had wings. The road's thick with those motherfuckers that way.
- Kenneth: How do you know?
- Andre: We just tried.
- Michael: Back when there was eight of us. We're going to the mall.
- Ana: [everyone has run to the roof to watch the BP truck racing around the mall parking lot] What are we gonna do about that truck?
- CJ: We're not gonna do anything about that truck!
- Ana: There's people in there!
- CJ: Yeah, and how do you know they're not all fucked up like everybody else out there?
- Ana: Well, for one thing, they're driving a truck.
- [gunshots coming from truck]
- Ana: Oh, and shooting guns.
- Kenneth: Nothing to say. Been to a lot of funerals. Folded the flag and given it to a lot of wives, and fathers, and kids. I told them how sorry I was. But that's not what I was really feeling. In the back of my mind, I was always saying, "Better them than me." But I don't believe that now. Because now I realize there are some things worse than death, and one of them is sitting here waiting to die.
- Michael: There's no point in arguing about this. We need a solution. We need to get some food over there.
- Steve: Okay. I have an idea. We draw straws and the loser runs across the lot with a ham sandwich.
- Ana: Could you be a bigger prick?
- Steve: I think so. But, you know, that's irrelevant. My question to you is, what's your plan?
- Bart: Wanna hear something that really sucks? You guys know that chick at Dairy Queen?
- CJ: The fat one?
- Bart: Yeah. She was coming over tonight. I would have tapped that shit for sure.
- Terry: Bart, dude, everybody's dead, okay? Your mom's dead. Your brother's dead. That fat chick at Dairy Queen? Dead!
- Bart: Yeah. That sucks, too.
- Andy: [only on the DVD extra "The Lost Tape: Andy's Terrifying Last Days Revealed"] They say that those things are dead. I know that's a bunch of BULLSHIT!
- The County Sheriff: We gotta burn... Danny! Danny! Put another round in that woman over there! Look, she's a twitcher.
- [to the reporter]
- The County Sheriff: I keep telling my men to shot those things in the head. Head... dead. Anyplace else, those things just twitch. Boy, we sure got a lot of them today. What's troubling is that I know some of these people were putting down. What can you do? It's got to be done.
- Andy: [only on the DVD extra "The Lost Tape: Andy's Terrifying Last Days Revealed"] I tossed a fucking Molotov. Not good. For one thing, it don't do shit. It just burns for a while and leaves them all grilled and smelling like Jimmy Dean! And now I'm really fucking hungry!
- Confused Reporter: Hi. I'm Bill Vibert with 23V Cable News. I'm at one of the collection depots waiting on an interview with Sheriff Cahill.
- [to the county sheriff]
- Confused Reporter: I understand you're having a difficult time killing these things.
- The County Sheriff: [cutting him off] Just shoot them in the head! They seem to go down permanently when you shoot them in the head. Then you gotta burn them.
- Andy: [only on the DVD extra "The Lost Tape: Andy's Terrifying Last Days Revealed"] Kenneth, the black guy, over in the mall... he just wrote me that Fort Pastor's gone. We're on our own. There's no help coming. Yeah, okay. Okay. No problem, you know? People have always put up with shit, right? We survive. That's what we do. We survived the fucking Romans. We survived the Crusades. We survived the Black Plague! We survived fucking world wars! We survived everything! All right? It's just nature's way of thinning us out, you know? Leaving the best to survive and build a better world. That's what's gonna happen now. I'm gonna survive. I'm gonna build you a better world!
- Andre: [Deleted scene/Unrated Version scene]
- [to Michael]
- Andre: Hey, my man. You know, I hear you talking a lot. You know, you're always saying something. Who the fuck are you that we should listen, huh? What are you, like, in Special Ops? You in the Marines? What the fuck do you do?
- Michael: I sell televisions at Best Buy.
- Andre: [to Kenneth] Wow.
- [chuckling]
- Andre: Hey, Officer, how you like following a guy that sells TVs?
- Kenneth: About as much as I like following a guy who steals them. I'm not following anyone.
- Tucker: [counting ammo] We have 12 of these shotgun shells, 26 of these pussy nine mils, and 16 of those .357 Magnums.
- Kenneth: Oh, I get it. You saw hell yesterday. Now you're scared of going to hell for all the bad things you've done. I'll tell you what. Go in the stall, say five Hail Marys, wipe your ass, and you and God can call it even.
- Steve: Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. Why does he stay here while I go on the suicide mission to rescue Terry's already-dead girlfriend?
- Terry: Fuck you, man!
- Michael: We don't know that.
- CJ: You know what, asshole? Either way we gotta get over there and get the guns to get out of this parking lot, all right?
- Bart: [In the parking garage] What the fuck was that? I just saw something.
- CJ: You didn't see shit, Bart. Shut the fuck up.
- Bart: Oh, shit. Here it comes.
- [a dog turns the corner]
- Bart: Jesus Christ! It's a fucking dog.
- Michael: [to dog] Come here, boy. Well, at least you know nothing's down here. It would've eaten him.
- Bart: See? I told you I saw something!