Reno 911! (2003– )
Cedric Yarbrough: Deputy S. Jones, Drunk Cowboy, Rufus
Photos
Quotes
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[the cops are in a doctor's office in their underwear]
Doctor : Uh, none of the tests required you to disrobe. I'm not sure why you're all sitting here in your underwear.
Deputy S. Jones : Dangle was in his underwear when we all got here.
Deputy Travis Junior : Yeah, what's the deal, Dangle?
Lt. Jim Dangle : I don't feel the need to explain myself.
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[Jones reads a note in the bag of tacos he and Garcia ordered from a fast food taco joint]
Deputy S. Jones : Officers, there are two armed men inside.
Deputy James Garcia : I hope there are two-armed men in there. One-armed men wouldn't be able to serve tacos.
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Lt. Jim Dangle : I can't imagine any woman having sex with Garcia. I think it would be really angry, the sex.
Deputy S. Jones : You think so?
Lt. Jim Dangle : Have you ever heard him in the john? It's like Normandy.
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Deputy S. Jones : Who's you guys best friend in the whole world?
Deputy James Garcia : Santa Claus?
Deputy Travis Junior : That's what I was gonna say, Santa Claus.
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Deputy S. Jones : [to a group of hookers] Hello ladies.
Deputy James Garcia : Can we help you tonight?
[Sees Dangle dressed in drag with the hookers]
Deputy James Garcia : Dangle?
Lt. Jim Dangle : Fellas... Garcia. Hey. I'm, uh, I'm working vice tonight.
Deputy James Garcia : Do you need backup?
Lt. Jim Dangle : No, no I'm deep cover. I'm getting a lot of leads.
Deputy James Garcia : Well, we could back you up.
Lt. Jim Dangle : No, no, no, I'm deep cover. I'm getting hot leads.
[Walks back to the hookers]
Deputy James Garcia : Um... doesn't he have Friday off?
Deputy S. Jones : He's working vice.
Deputy James Garcia : Yeah, but he's got Friday off.
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[talking to a Klan member]
Deputy S. Jones : Ok, let me tell you... D.T.A.M.S: Don't take another motherfucking step.
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Deputy S. Jones : I've dealt with your damm advances for years now, and I'm sick of it! I'm sick of it, I'm straight, okay? You ever hear of sexual harassment? Ever hear of that? What do you take me for, I'm a punkass? Fuck you man, fuck you!
[He throws his wine on Dangle's shirt]
Deputy S. Jones : I can't believe this! I had shit to do today!
Lt. Jim Dangle : [crying] I'm just so lonely...
Deputy S. Jones : Save that shit, save it... a new low. A new fucking low!
Lt. Jim Dangle : I just need somebody to help me...
[Keeps on crying]
Lt. Jim Dangle : I'm going inside now... I'm sorry if I like you.
[He goes behind his moving van]
Deputy S. Jones : [pause] Hell, I'll try anything once, I guess.
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[Wiegel may be dating a serial killer]
Deputy S. Jones : Do I think Craig is the Truckie River Killer... yeah.
Deputy Clementine Johnson : Yeah... and it's the best she's gonna do.
Deputy S. Jones : Yeah.
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Terry : [At an empty baseball field] Hit it! Dammit, now we're losing.
Deputy S. Jones : You know who else is losing?
Terry : [pauses] Iraq
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Deputy S. Jones : First O.J., then Kobe, now Jonesy! I didn't do anything!
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[Dangle has made Jones help him move, and it turns out his house is only 50 feet away]
Lt. Jim Dangle : Here we are, casa de Dangle!
Deputy S. Jones : [pause] What the fuck?
Lt. Jim Dangle : What do you mean, what the fuck?
Deputy S. Jones : Dangle, we only moved, like, 45 feet! You could have done all of this shit yourself!
Lt. Jim Dangle : I'm sure it's more like 100 feet.
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Deputy S. Jones : [everyone other than Jones appears to be dead in a shootout] Guys... guys?
Kenny Rogers : [waking up in his bed] Oh! Oh God!
Lt. Jim Dangle : [waking up next to Rogers] Whoa! Are you Kenny Rogers?
Kenny Rogers : Yeah.
Lt. Jim Dangle : Are you dreaming this or am I dreaming this?
Kenny Rogers : [slaps Dangle] Did that hurt?
Lt. Jim Dangle : Not really.
Kenny Rogers : Oh God, oh God.
Deputy James Garcia : [waking up in the office] Whoa!
Deputy S. Jones : Were you having that gayass Kenny Rogers dream again?
Deputy James Garcia : What Kenny Rogers dream?
Deputy Williams : The one you have all the time!
Deputy James Garcia : I don't dream about Kenny Rogers... I don't know what the hell you're...
Deputy S. Jones : [gently] Jimmy... get some help.
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Deputy S. Jones : Sir, I will not hesistate to beat your ass with your own shoe!
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Deputy S. Jones : [points to himself and Deputy Williams] Why are we on this side of the table and everyone us else over there?
Lt. Jim Dangle : CPT
Deputy Travis Junior : CPT
Deputy S. Jones : What?
Deputy Williams : What? Excuse me? What's CPT?
Deputy Travis Junior : CPT - Colored People Time. We're the first one's here and take these seats.
Lt. Jim Dangle : Colored People Time, everyone knows what that means.
Deputy Williams : What?
Lt. Jim Dangle : I'm sorry, that was wrong of me to say. I thought you've heard of that before. It's easy to say and it just, it just came out - CPT.
Deputy S. Jones : Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being colored and for being a person and for being on my time.
Deputy Travis Junior : Apology accepted, Jones.
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Lt. Jim Dangle : [talking about Garcia's ex-wife] The part I don't understand is that there's a woman who would...
Deputy S. Jones : Do that.
Lt. Jim Dangle : Make the sex act with him.
Deputy S. Jones : The effort, yeah.
Lt. Jim Dangle : And not even the effort. Even be present.
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Deputy Clementine Johnson : [Deputy Johnson is administering a dancing sobriety test] Step, bump, step, bump-bump! 5,6,7,8...
Deputy S. Jones : You know what would be good is if you did a hitch kick right here
[suspect adds his own choreography]
Deputy S. Jones : and a barrel roll here and then woohoo!
Deputy Clementine Johnson : Wow! That's great. Are you a dancer?
Deputy S. Jones : No! I'm just drunk.
Deputy Clementine Johnson : Gotcha! You're going to jail.
