Daran Norris credited as playing...
Spottswoode
- Spottswoode: Team, if the Derkaderkastanis have weapons of mass destruction, I'm afraid it could be 911 times a thousand.
- Sarah: Jesus, you mean...?
- Spottswoode: Yes. Nine hundred and eleven thousand.
- Chris: Well forget all these assholes! We have work to do!
- Spottswoode: Yes! Let's get Gary valmorphanized so we can use his acting!
- Gary Johnston: My acting? My ACTING?
- Gary Johnston: [rises from the steps] My acting just got a thousand people killed! Jesus, I've done it again!
- Spottswoode: Pull yourself together, Gary! We need you now more than ever!
- Gary Johnston: I'm through with this!
- Spottswoode: Gary, you can't go! Without you the team is doomed! Remember, there is no "I" in "Team America".
- Intelligence: [pause] Yes, there is.
- Gary Johnston: We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong-il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes - assholes who just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way, but the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is that sometimes they fuck too much, or fuck when it isn't appropriate.
- Spottswoode: Yes, Gary, yes.
- Gary Johnston: And it takes a pussy to show 'em that. But sometimes pussies get so full of shit that they become assholes themselves, because pussies are only an inch-and-a-half away from assholes. I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world, but I do know that if you don't let us fuck this asshole, we are going to have our dicks and our pussies all covered in shit.
- Gary Johnston: OK, a limosine that can fly. Now I have seen everything.
- Spottswoode: Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head?
- Gary Johnston: No.
- Spottswoode: So then, you haven't seen everything.
- Spottswoode: Attention. Attention, everyone. All you in the audience should go to your homes now. Your countries need you, but the world will be safe, thanks to a brilliant actor named Gary Johnston.
- [Crowd applauses as Gary kisses Lisa]
- Spottswoode: Let me explain to you the kind of man Gary is. He's a man who knows that when you put another man's cock in your mouth, you make a pact. A bond that cannot be broken. He's a man so dedicated that he will get down on his knees and put that cock right in his mouth.
- [Deleted Scene]
- Spottswoode: Team, this is all my fault. I was overzealous in Cairo. I let racism cloud my judgment. I was so sure the ultimate terrorist was Middle Eastern, but I didn't realize he was a goddamn Gook. I'll never be a racist again.
- Gary Johnston: Wait! Hold on! Spottswoode, I think we just found the entrance to the theater! Have Sarah and Joe lock on to...
- Gary Johnston: [he's kicked in the face and falls away backwards] Oof!
- Tim Robbins: [drops down from the ceiling] GRRRRR!
- Chris: Gary!
- [Martin Sheen knocks him out with a wrench]
- Tim Robbins: [shouts] Actors Ho!
- Helen Hunt: Helen Hunt!
- Samuel L. Jackson: Samuel Jackson!
- Matt Damon: Matt Damon!
- [a bit slurred, like a speech impediment. Gary gets up, only to be kicked in the face by Samuel Jackson]
- Samuel L. Jackson: Motherfucker!
- [Helen Hunt kicks Chris in the face]
- Spottswoode: Gary, Chris, come in!
- [no response]
- Gary Johnston: [Gary sees the limo] Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to get inside your limo and let you put your finger inside me. And if I go down on you, I get a movie part.
- Spottswoode: Uh, no. I just want to show you something.
- Gary Johnston: Yeah I bet you do.
- Spottswoode: Please, Gary. I'm not from Hollywood, I'm not going to fuck your mouth, and my time is EXTREMELY valuable!
- [Gary gets in the limo]
- Spottswoode: From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.N.C.E has gathered, it would be 9/11 times 100.
- Gary Johnston: 9/11 times a hundred? Jesus, that's...
- Spottswoode: Yes, 91,100.
- Joe: Basically, all the worst parts of the bible.
- Spottswoode: Now hold on team, Gary has already proven to me that he is 100% committed to the team. He proved it last night by sucking my cock.
- Joe: Uh... All right then. Let's move.
- Spottswoode: Gary, if for some reason your cover is blown, and the terrorists take you prisoner, well, you'll probably want to take your own life. Here, you'd better have this.
- [hands Gary a hammer]
- [Deleted Scene]
- Gary Johnston: I'm leaving. I'm out.
- Spottswoode: No, Gary! You can't leave! We need you now, more than ever!
- Gary Johnston: Don't you see what's going on out there? Everyone hates us!
- Spottswoode: Hey, now, everyone hated Winnie the Pooh, too.
- Gary Johnston: No, they didn't!
- Spottswoode: Well, I did. That cocksucking bear killed Jack Kennedy!
- Spottswoode: Gary, meet Chris. He may lack in courtesy, but he's the best martial arts expert Detroit has to offer.
- Spottswoode: Team, I'm afraid I have bad news. At 7:15 this morning, the terrorists carried out their attack.
- Lisa: What?
- Sarah: But how can that be? Gary stopped the terrorists in Cairo.
- Spottswoode: It appears now that I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E was wrong about the Chechnyans being in charge. That was bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. Very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.
- Intelligence: I'm sorry.