- Caleb Peterson: What if he tries to grab me?
- Kyle: We're not pirates. We just dress like them... and chase bootie. He'll be just as nervous as you, so try not to punch him if he makes a move on you or anything...
- Caleb Peterson: You know, I don't think I'd punch him. I think I'd probably just start crying or something.
- [Joey states he might be just a little bit gay, so Gwen tests him]
- Gwen Anderson: Can you list any tracks on Madonna's "Like a Prayer" album?
- Joey: [going quickly] Um, "Express Yourself," "Cherish," "Oh Father..."
- Gwen Anderson: "Vogue?"
- Joey: No, honey, "Vogue" was on "Dick Tracy."
- Gwen Anderson: It's not a fucking phase! You're a full-fledged homo!
- Caleb Peterson: I think you turned me gay.
- Tiffani: I did not "turn you gay!" How could you say that?
- Caleb Peterson: I mean, don't take it personally.
- Tiffani: I am a person! How else am I supposed to take it?
- [after yet another boy she's dating confesses he's gay]
- Gwen: I feel like a turnstile to the White Party!
- [Tiffani stands in the doorway]
- Tiffani: I hear you have phone trouble, Miss Thing.
- Kyle: That's Mister Miss Thing to you.
- Caleb Peterson: Tiffani?
- Tiffani: You little hose huffer!
- Frank Peterson: Why don't you come join us?
- Tiffani: Gomez, Morticia, and little Wednesday.
- Gwen Anderson: You never mentioned Tiffani.
- Susan Petersoon: Tiffani was a bitch.
- Jamie Peterson: I liked her.
- Frank Peterson: She was cute.
- Gwen Anderson: [to Caleb's parents] You know, you guys seem really nice.
- Marc: Oh, my God. Gwen, don't.
- Gwen Anderson: Caleb, honey, I'm gonna do you a really big favor.
- Kyle: Oh, shit.
- Gwen Anderson: You'll hate me now but you'll love me later.
- Marc: Gwen, please.
- Kyle: Shit.
- Gwen Anderson: Mr. and Mrs. Peterson, your son is gay.
- Jamie Peterson: [punching Caleb's arm] Fag, you're it!
- Tiffani: I turned him gay, but I can turn him back.
- Jamie Peterson: No fag-backs.
- Kyle: You stole my boyfriend!
- Caleb Peterson: He's not your boyfriend.
- Kyle: Oh, so now you're gay?
- Caleb Peterson: This was your idea.
- Kyle: You knew how I felt about him!
- Caleb Peterson: We're not doing anything.
- Kyle: You're going on a date!
- Caleb Peterson: That was HIS idea!
- Kyle: I've been stalking him for years; you decided to be gay for one night.
- Caleb Peterson: I'm not gay! Why don't you just tell him you like him?
- Kyle: That would be as futile as drug testing at the Gay Games.
- Marc: [entering the bathroom] We need to talk.
- Caleb Peterson: [in mid-pee] D-dude!
- Marc: I wasn't being honest. Now, I got to talk about it now or...
- Caleb Peterson: I'm taking a leak.
- Marc: Hmm, please, I've seen it.
- Marc: [addressing the dick] How ya doin'?
- Kyle: Guys around here are like day-old donuts. I mean, I eat 'em because they're there, but you don't wanna invest anything in them.
- Tiffani: My titties didn't "occur" to you? Look at them, Caleb! They occur to every man I meet, but not you!
- Gwen: Joey! Just remember - every time you suck a dick, every time you poke some boy in the brown eye - just remember that you've eaten pussy! You ate pussy and you liked it!
- Jamie Peterson: Love you, gay bro.
- Frank Peterson: [to all] Come on, I said family hug. We're all family here.
- Susan Petersoon: [to all] Well, come on.
- Gwen: [caught up in the emotional moment] Oh, what the fuck!
- Caleb Peterson: This isn't a kegger, bro. This is, like, serious. Who'd you invite?
- Kyle: Like they said to Anne Frank, why don't you answer the door and find out?
- Kyle: Being gay is more than... listening to good music and eating low-fat foods. There are certain things you have to do to convince the general public.
- Caleb Peterson: Oh. We could stage a bashing.
- Caleb Peterson: I waited twenty-four days to have sex with you.
- Tiffani: Well, I didn't want to seem like a slut!
- [Caleb and Marc return to Marc's darkened, vacated apartment]
- Caleb Peterson: [calling out] Gwen!
- Marc: Oh, trust me. If she were here, she'd be all up in our pubes.
- Kyle: Okay, so I know I might just be a rebound or a really shitty consolation prize, or you're just really looking for an ego boost, but, whatever it is, I'll take it.
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