Lizzy Caplan: Janis Ian

Mean Girls

Janis Ian

Janis: [to the female student body] Okay, yeah. I've got an apology. So, I have this friend who is a new student this year. And I convinced her that it would be fun to mess up Regina George's life. So I had her pretend to be friends with Regina, and then she would come to my house after and we would just laugh about all the dumb stuff Regina said. And we gave these candy bar things that would make her gain weight, and then we turned her best friends against her. And then... Oh yeah, Cady - you know my friend Cady? She made out with her boyfriend, and we convinced him to break up with her. Oh, God, and we gave her foot cream instead of face wash.
[to Regina]
Janis: God! I am so sorry Regina. Really, I don't know why I did this. I guess it's probably because I've got a big *lesbian* crush on you! Suck on *that*! AY-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI!

Cady: Oh dear.
Janis: You dirty little liar!
Cady: I'm sorry, I can explain...
Janis: Explain how you forgot to invite us to your party?
Damian: Janis, I cannot stop this car. I have a curfew at 1:00 AM.
Cady: You know I couldn't invite you. I had to pretend to be plastic.
Janis: Hey, buddy, you're not pretending anymore. You're plastic. Cold, shiny, hard plastic.
Damian: Curfew, 1:00 AM. It is now 1:10.
Janis: By the way, did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters, listen to awesome music, and then just sit around and soak up each others awesomeness?
Cady: You know, you're the one who made me like this so you could use me for your 8th grade revenge!
Janis: God! See, at least me and Regina George know we're mean. You try to act so innocent. Like, "Oh, I used to live in Africa with all the little birdies, and the little monkeys!"
Cady: You know what? It's not my fault you're like in love with me or something!
Janis: What?
Damian: Oh, no, she did not!
Janis: See? That is the thing with you Plastics. You think that everybody is in love with you, when actually, everybody hates you! Like Aaron Samuels, for example: he broke up with Regina and guess what? He still doesn't want you! So why are you still messing with Regina, Cady? I'll tell you why. Because you are a mean girl! You're a bitch! Here. You can have this. It won a prize.
Damian: [Yells out the window as he drives away with Janis] And I want my pink shirt back! You hear me? I want my pink shirt back!

Cady: And they have this book, this burn book, where they write mean things about all the girls in our grade.
Janis: What does it say about me?
Cady: [lying, because the book describes Janis as a dyke] You're not in it.
Janis: Those bitches!

Damian: [reading the entry on himself from the Burn Book] "Too gay to function?"
Janis: That's only okay when *I* say it!

Janis: [reading list the major cliques in high school] You got your freshmen, ROTC guys, preps, J.V. jocks, Asian nerds, Cool Asians, Varsity jocks Unfriendly black hotties, Girls who eat their feelings, Girls who don't eat anything, Desperate wannabes, Burnouts, Sexually active band geeks,
[a picture of herself and Damian come on screen]
Janis: the greatest people you will ever meet, and the worst. Beware of plastics.

Janis: That one there, that's Karen Smith. She is one of the dumbest girls you will ever meet. Damien sat next to her in English last year.
Damian: She asked me how to spell orange.
[Cady snickers]
Janis: That little one, that's Gretchen Wieners.
Damian: She's totally rich because her dad invented Toaster Streudels.
Janis: Gretchen Wieners knows everybody's business, she knows everything about everyone.
Damian: That's why her hair is so big, it's full of secrets.
Janis: And evil takes a human form in Regina George. Don't be fooled because she may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabbing sleaze-faced dirtbag, but in reality, she's so much more than that.
Damian: She's the queen bee - the star, those other two are just her little workers.

Joan the Secretary: And finally, the nominees for 'Spring Fling Queen'! Regina George...
[class applauds]
Joan the Secretary: Gretchen Weiners.
[class applauds and Gretchen responds breathlessly]
Joan the Secretary: Janis Ian.
[class applauds]
Regina: [confused] What is happening to the world?
Janis: Damien!
[Janis shoves Damien]
Damian: I couldn't help myself!
Joan the Secretary: And finally, Cady Heron!
[class applauds]
Cady: Damien? You put me in there, too? That's not part of the plan!
Damian: I didn't put you in there...
Cady: [surprised] You mean I'm really nominated?

Cady: Regina seems... sweet!
Janis: Regina George is not sweet! She's a scum-sucking road whore, she ruined my life!

Damian: She always looks fierce. She always wins Spring Fling Queen.
Janis: Who cares?
Damian: I care. Every year the seniors through this dance for the underclassmen called the Spring Fling. And whosoever is elected King and Queen automatically become head of the Student Activities Committee and since I am an active member of the Student Activities Committee, I would safely say, I care.
Janis: Wow, Damian, you've truely out-gayed yourself.
[Cady laughs]

Janis: Oh, I love seeing teachers outside of school. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs.

Janis: There are two kinds of evil people in this world. Those who do evil stuff and those who see evil stuff being done and don't try to stop it