Ellen: I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
Gladys Hardy: [over the phone] I'll be honest with you; I love Jesus but I drink a little.
Ellen: [During her stand-up routine] You know how you always expect someone to think the same as you and then your like, really shocked when they don't? Like when it's a cold day and you turn to the person next to you and say, 'Its so cold, aren't you cold?' and then they say 'no.' It's kinda like, 'what, are you a communist?'
Ellen: [Speaking about the Emmy's] You know, winning is not important. It's about how you feel about yourself. And of course, you're gonna feel a whole lot better about yourself if you win.
Ellen: Am I right, ladies?
Ellen: You know that song that asks, "Why do fools fall in love?"? I think the obvious answer is because they're fools.
Ellen: Who needs sleep? I laugh in the face of sleep!
Ellen: I'm really glad that high jeans are coming back in fashion, cause you know how all the jeans are low now? And cause, you know, sometimes I have to bend down
Ellen: No, but it's really good higher jeans are coming back in fashion. Remember the jeans back in the 80's? That kinda high was good. But any higher and they'd be strapless jeans.
Steve Harvey: [laughing after watching the particularly embarrassing and hilarious 'frightened turtle' reaction to Ellen scaring him] I had to straighten my clothes up. I swear to you man...
Steve Harvey: [stops laughing but is still lighthearted] That was not funny. Not only was that not funny, that wasn't even cool! I don't know what the hell you're laughing at. I should have shot him!
Ellen: We thought you were gonna punch him, he was prepared.
Steve Harvey: But where was I going, though? When you showed it what was with this leg over here for? I just, really, man, that is not good, that is not good. That's gonna be on YouTube!
Paul McCartney: They were throwing money at us to get off.
Ellen: Make me dance Tony!
[referring to the "Silent Hill" poster]
Ellen: She doesn't have a mouth.
Ellen: Oh... mama!