Dax Shepard credited as playing...
Astronaut
- Astronaut: Are you telling me to leave?
- Walter: Well, once you're finished eating... yeah.
- Astronaut: Well, he spun me...
- Astronaut: [points at Danny]
- Astronaut: ...so he has to decide.
- Walter: [pulls out card] Well I'm Fleet Admiral, and I'm telling you to hit the road.
- Astronaut: Oh... I'm sorry... I didn't know. Oh, you know what...
- Astronaut: [pulls out a card]
- Astronaut: I'm Fleet Admiral too! It's just a card, bugnuts!
- Danny: Why'd you wish for a football? You could've wished us out of here!
- Walter: I was under a lot of pressure! He was yelling at me!
- [meaning the Astronaut]
- Danny: [turns around] Why were you yelling?
- Astronaut: [sits on the bed] OK guys. Here's the thing: I've played this game before. OK? I played it with my own brother 15 years ago.
- Walter: You're a player?
- Astronaut: Yeah. Just like you guys. We were fighting a lot back then. And when the game started, it got even worse. Every time we spun, we got madder and madder at one another. And then I landed on the Star Space, the same one that Walter just landed on. I was *so* mad at him that when the star passed... I made my wish.
- Walter: What'd you wish for?
- Astronaut: I wished that my brother had never been born.
- Danny: Oh my god.
- [Walter looks at Danny, then at the Astronaut]
- Astronaut: As soon as I did, it felt horrible. I thought, you know if I could spin again maybe I, I could land on another Star Space and wish him back but, the game wouldn't let me. So it wasn't my turn. Walter, there are some games you can't play alone.
- [after Walter wishes on a shooting star, a second identical Danny appears]
- Danny: You wished for TWO of me?
- Walter: No! I - I wished the astronaut guy had his brother back...
- [stunned, The Astronaut approaches the second Danny and smiles, embracing him]
- Astronaut: Danny!
- Alternate Danny: Who are you?
- Astronaut: It's me. It's Walter, I'm... I'm your brother.
- Walter: What?
- Danny: What?
- Alternate Danny: No, you're not.
- [points to Walter]
- Alternate Danny: He is.
- Astronaut: Yes... I'm older, but... I'm him. I came back for you.
- [the Astronaut, revealed to be an older Walter from an alternate reality, approaches Walter after Alternate Danny has disappeared]
- Astronaut: Thank you.
- Walter: [stunned] I didn't...
- Astronaut: You did a good job. You did better than I did.
- Walter: Thanks.
- Astronaut: Now, make sure he gets home safe, okay?
- Walter: Okay.
- [smiling, The Astronaut touches Walter's shoulder and begins to disintegrate]
- [Walter plays the Zathura and the rocket ships are faulty]
- Walter: Hang on a second, something's wrong.
- [turns to Danny]
- Walter: I was ahead of you.
- Danny: Somebody must have kicked the board.
- Walter: No. Nobody kicked the board. You cheated!
- Danny: No, I didn't!
- Walter: You cheated! I knew you were gonna cheat!
- Astronaut: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on! Okay, cheater's a strong word!
- Danny: I didn't cheat! I said I didn't cheat! I didn't cheat!
- Walter: You cheated!
- Astronaut: Guys, guys, guys! Please! Bring it down, indoor voices.
- [turns to Danny]
- Astronaut: Now, did you move the piece?
- Danny: Maybe, I moved the piece by an accident.
- Astronaut: Okay. It was an accident.
- Walter: How can you move a piece by accident, it's stuck to the game? That's impossible! You cheated, you cheated!
- Astronaut: Okay. No, no, no, no! Let's not used that word! No, stop saying cheat!
- Danny: I didn't cheated! I didn't cheat! I DIDN'T CHEAT!
- Walter: You cheated! CHEATER!
- Astronaut: Hey, hey, hey! Come on! Okay?
- [turns back to Danny]
- Astronaut: Now, where did you move from?
- Danny: I was right here.
- Walter: No, you weren't! You were back there!
- Danny: Nuh-uh.
- Astronaut: Look. Okay. Okay. Here, careful.
- [Walter pushes the red rocket back four times]
- Walter: God.
- Astronaut: Okay, it's fixed. Okay.
- Walter: You're such a baby.
- Danny: I'm not a baby!
- Astronaut: Hey, slow down! Slow down!
- Walter: Yes, you are a baby! You're a baby!
- Danny: I'm not a baby!
- Astronaut: No! Nobody is a baby here!
- Walter: A hundred percent, you're a baby!
- Danny: I'm not a baby!
- Walter: You're a little baby!
- Danny: I'M NOT A BABY!
- Astronaut: Oh, geez, it won't stop!
- [covers Danny's mouth]
- Astronaut: Okay, let's play the game.
- Walter: Fine.