Eric Idle credited as playing...
Merlin
- Shrek: Listen, Artie. Eh, if you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screamin' is, yo, check out this kazing thazing, bazaby! I mean if it doesn't groove or what I'm sayin' ain't straight trippin' just say, "Oh, no you di'n't! You know, you're gettin' on my last nerve." And then I'll know it's... then I'll - I'll know it's wack!
- [Shrek gets hit in the face with a branch that Artie had evidently pulled back]
- Artie: Somebody help! I've been kidnapped by a monster who's trying to relate to me!
- [knocks on the door of a tree incessantly]
- Artie: Knock, knock. Hello! Hello!
- [a holograph of Merlin emits from a crystal a few feet adjacent to the door]
- Merlin: Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex. Now prepare-
- [the holograph cuts off. Merlin comes out the front door and says]
- Merlin: I knew I should have got that warranty.
- Artie: [convincing Merlin to help them get back to Far Far Away]
- [weeping like a troubled teen]
- Artie: It's just so hard, you know? They really need to get back, 'cause their kingdom's in trouble, 'cause there's a really bad man... and it's just so hard!
- Merlin: Come on, take it easy!
- Artie: No! I don't think you understand!
- [collapses at Merlin's feet]
- Artie: There's a mean person doing mean things to good people
- Shrek: Oh, have a heart, old man
- Artie: And they really need your help to get them back! So why won't you help them?
- [collapses and sobs inaudibly]
- Merlin: [awkwardly] Oh, ok... Um, I'll go and get my things
- Artie: [stands up and clears his throat]
- [to Shrek]
- Artie: Piece of cake.
- Merlin: [meditating] I'm a buzzing bee... buzz, buzz, buzz...
- Artie: Mr. Merlin? They...
- [gestures to Shrek and crew, but stops short]
- Artie: ... *we* really need your help. Do you think you can use your magic to transport us to...
- Merlin: [interrupting] Sorry, kid, I don't do that stuff anymore. How about a hug? That's the best kind of magic there is!
- Merlin: Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex.