Steve Carell credited as playing...
Barry
- Barry: Vincent Van Gogh. Everyone said to him, "You can't be a great painter, you only have one ear." And you know what he said? "I can't hear you."
- Barry: So dare to dream. Dream your wildest dreams. You can climb the highest mountain. You can drown in a teacup, if you find a big enough teacup. And if somebody tells you that you can't do something, you say, 'Yes, I can. 'Cause I'm doing it right now!'
- Darla: [seductively] I'm a naughty little schoolgirl...
- Barry: You look a little old to be a schoolgirl.
- Darla: I need to be punished. I cheated in class. Don't you want to be my school teacher?
- Barry: I'm really not qualified I work for the IRS.
- Darla: [winks] Not tonight...
- Barry: No, all the time. I work...
- Darla: Ok, ok! You work for the IRS and I have been very, very bad. I haven't paid my taxes and I need to be spanked, NOW!
- Barry: Well, that's really not the way it works, you probably just have to pay the difference, plus interest...
- Barry: When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Unless you don't have any water or sugar. And then you just eat the lemons, and the rind will give you diarrhea.
- Therman: Now tell us, Barry, why did your wife leave? Spit it out of your mouth. Say it. Say it, boy.
- Barry: I lost her clitoris!
- Robin: You lost her clitoris?
- Barry: She got mad because I couldn't find it, and I said 'It's probably in your purse,' because nine times out of 10 when she loses something, that's where they end up.
- Robin: Barry, do you even know what that is?
- Barry: I don't know what half the stuff in her purse is.
- Therman: Don't worry Barry. I found it. It was in her purse. It was in her naughty purse.
- Robin: Wow. Well thank God somebody found it, right?
- Barry: I thought I found it under the couch. Turns out it was just an old piece of chewing gum.
- Barry: OK, may I give you some advice too? Do not wear fishnets on New Year's Eve. It's too cold. When the wind blows, you gotta go with the hose.
- Barry: SWITZERLAND. I LOVE SWITZERLAND. And your cheese, Does the cheese come out of the cow with the holes?
- Kieran: Have you ever just spent five months living with a herd of goats, as one of them?
- Barry: No.
- Kieran: No? That surprises me. The thing about a goat is, it never denies itself what it's hungry for.
- Barry: A goat will eat anything. A goat could probably eat a bike.
- Kieran: A goat could eat itself, if it was driven to it. I'm just a goat... who's halfway through eating itself.
- Barry: Just to be clear, what exactly are we talking about?
- Kieran: Everything.
- Tim: Julie.
- Müeller: I thought this was Julie.
- Julie: Nope. I'm Julie.
- Barry: They are both Julie. Julie and Julie.
- Julie: Susana thought you were gonna lose your promotion if I didn't show up today. Look at your. You had a replacement all lined up.
- Darla: Yeah.
- Tim: No, no, no. This is a huge misunderstanding.
- Barry: Let me explain. This is Darla. She's a naughty schoolgirl who cheats on her taxes. I didn't know whether you were gonna come today, so I brought Darla to keep things running smoothly. Very important potential client.
- Julie: That clears that up. Yeah. Thank you.
- Darla: Darling, you're embarrassing yourself.
- [pulls up engagement ring]
- Darla: It's over.
- Julie: She's really quite a catch, Tim. Congratulations.
- Tim: No! Julie...
- Julie: [shakes hands] Nice to have met you. He's very crafty.