Alec Baldwin credited as playing...
Norman Burroughs
- Norman Burroughs: I don't understand.
- Six-Year-Old Augusten Burroughs: I polish my allowance. I boil it clean, then polish it with silver polish.
- Norman Burroughs: But why, Augusten? Why?
- Six-Year-Old Augusten Burroughs: Because I like shiny things.
- Norman Burroughs: I really don't see myself in you at all.
- Six-Year-Old Augusten Burroughs: I'm more like my mom. I want to be special and I want to be famous.
- Norman Burroughs: Is he an MD doctor?
- Deirdre Burroughs: Yes. And as I've told you a hundred times, he got his MD at Yale.
- Norman Burroughs: You heard about this guy from where?
- Deirdre Burroughs: Doctor Newpall. Augusten's allergist. If you were more of a man and involved in your son's life, you'd know who that was. I smell manure.
- Norman Burroughs: I don't smell anything.
- Deirdre Burroughs: I do, I smell manure. It's coming out of your ears.
- Norman Burroughs: Fucking bitch.
- Norman Burroughs: So... you're saying we should split up?
- Dr. Finch: In order to reach that conclusion, Norman, I would need to see both you and Deirdre on a regular and disciplined basis, for five hours a day.
- Deirdre Burroughs: I'm available, Doctor Finch.
- Norman Burroughs: Five hours a day? I can't do that! I have to work!
- Deirdre Burroughs: See, Doctor Finch, I told you. I'm married to a narcissist.
- Dr. Finch: Norman, if I'm willing to clear my schedule to save your marriage, but you're not... then get out! Leave this office, go home, and start dividing your books and your record albums.
- Norman Burroughs: This is bullshit. This is really fucking bullshit.
- Dr. Finch: [begins writing in his notebook]
- Norman Burroughs: What're you writing?
- Dr. Finch: "Norman Burroughs is homicidal. He is an unapologetic alcoholic. He is dangerous and a threat to himself, his wife, and his child."
- Norman Burroughs: [from trailer] I haven't had a drink in four years.
- Deirdre Burroughs: Excuse me, can you get him a medal?
- Deirdre Burroughs: I'm unhappy.
- Norman Burroughs: I'm unhappy.
- Dr. Finch: Norman. If you're so unhappy, why stay in this marriage?
- Norman Burroughs: I don't know why. My son.
- Dr. Finch: I don't think that's why you stay, Norman. I think you stay because it's comfortable. It's what you know. You were trapped in your childhood by a castrating mother and as an adult male you have sought the same female archetype.
- Deirdre Burroughs: [nodding] Well, that's - just - brilliant... and very true.
- Deirdre Burroughs: I smell manure. It's coming from your ears.
- Norman Burroughs: [muttering] Fucking bitch.
- Deirdre Burroughs: I'm available.
- Norman Burroughs: Five hours a day! What, I can't do that. I have to work.