Carroll O'Connor credited as playing...
Archie Bunker
- Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Ma, just because it's in the Bible, do you really believe that a rich man can't get into heaven?
- Archie Bunker: Certainly she does, and I do too. If it's in the Bible, then a rich man can't get into Heaven.
- Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Not that I really care Arch, but why not?
- Archie Bunker: Because, stupid, as it also says in the Bible, quote: "You can't take it with you."
- Archie Bunker: Edith!
- Edith Bunker: Oh, good morning, Archie!
- Archie Bunker: Listen, never mind the good morning. Just do me a favor, huh? The next time you get up at the crack of dawn, don't wake me up to tell me it ain't time for me to get up yet.
- Archie Bunker: [to Mike] And you, meathead, turn off the garbage on that radio.
- Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: [sarcastically] Okay; I thought you would be interested in what King Richard was up to today.
- Archie Bunker: And shut that hole in the middle of your face too, huh? Wise guy, trying to insult the President by calling him a king.
- Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Why not? Nixon acts like one.
- Archie Bunker: I got news for you, little girl: being a president is much better than being a king
- Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Yeah; you can probably make more money that way.
- Archie Bunker: Get out of here, huh! Richard E. Nixon ain't interested in getting rich.
- Gloria Bunker-Stivic: He's not interested in getting rich? Why not?
- Archie Bunker: Because he's got plenty of money.
- Edith Bunker: [quoting the Bible] It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter heaven.
- Archie Bunker: [Edith answers the doorbell] Listen, let me tell you something...
- Edith Bunker: Oh, hi Lionel.
- Archie Bunker: You can take the coloreds out of the jungle, but you can't take the jungle out of the...
- Archie Bunker: [changes conversation when he sees Lionel] Oh, hi Lionel.
- Lionel Jefferson: Oh, hi Mr. Bunker; sorry to interrupt your lecture on anthropology. Mom just asked me to stop over and borrow some big dishes.
- Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Hey Lionel, I'll bet your uncle Henry's pretty excited, huh?
- Lionel Jefferson: Oh yeah yeah, he's really looking forward to it.
- Archie Bunker: Oh, well you must be looking forward at long last to getting your own bedroom, huh Lionel?
- Lionel Jefferson: I always had my own room, Mr. Bunker.
- Archie Bunker: Well, where's Henry sleeping, up in the attic?
- Lionel Jefferson: No, he's got his own room, too.
- Archie Bunker: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Henry's got his bedroom, you've got a bedroom, your mother and father's got a bedroom? You've only got two bedrooms in that house.
- Lionel Jefferson: No, we got three bedrooms.
- Archie Bunker: You're telling me your house is bigger than mine?
- Lionel Jefferson: Sure, You didn't know that, Mr. Bunker? I got a room, he got a room,
- Lionel Jefferson: [sings] All God's children got rooms!
- Edith Bunker: [quoting the Bible] "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter heaven."
- Archie Bunker: And it is easier for you to pass me the coffee, than for me to go over there for it!
- Gloria Bunker-Stivic: The cookies are for Henry Jefferson's farewell party.
- Archie Bunker: Oh, I know all about it. Jeez, the whole street is goin' crazy just because one colored guy wants to leave home.
- Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: I thought you'd be leading the cheers.
- Archie Bunker: I ain't going nowheres near that party!
- Gloria Bunker-Stivic: That's 'cause you're a racist, Daddy.
- Archie Bunker: That ain't so! I would say good-bye to Lionel's uncle Henry; I ain't gonna have nothin' to do with Lionel's old man, because he's an oddball!
- Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: What do you mean, he's an oddball?
- Archie Bunker: Well, look at the guy! You never see him; he's hiding out in his house all the time, like some Bantam o' the opera!