- Andy Taylor: Well, Barney, I believe a sobriety test is given to a prisoner when you first bring him in. Now, you ought to have done that to Otis last night.
- Barney Fife: Aw, Andy, you know we couldn't have given a sobriety test to Otis last night.
- Andy Taylor: Well, why not?
- Barney Fife: He was too drunk.
- Otis Campbell: I've been thinkin' about the big, long speech I can make here, then I got to studying about how that was all wrong. See, I don't deserve this award. I didn't do nothin'. Bein' descended from a hero don't make *you* one. Shucks, a man can't take credit just for being born, so, I want to give this to Mayor Pike to accept for the town of Mayberry, of which I am proud to be its citizen.
- Barney Fife: You s'pose we ought to put a plaque in that cell there? "Otis Campbell slept here"?
- Andy Taylor: "Slept it off here"'d be more like it.
- Barney Fife: Now, I'm gonna test your reactions and your reflexes.
- Otis Campbell: This jail's gettin' to be as bad as home!
- Otis Campbell: You know, Andy, I've given that woman some awful bad times, but wait till you see her at that presentation. She's gonna be as proud as a peacock.
- Mayor Pike: Look, the only plaque that Otis Campbell deserves is from The Distillers Association of America.
- Barney Fife: I can just see Otis showin' up for that plaque, now.
- Barney Fife: [acting drunk] "Where's m' plaque? Gimme m' plaque!" Then he'll stagger up to that Mrs. Wicks and he'll say, "How about a little drink, baby?"
- Barney Fife: We're gettin' the real thing. Otis Campbell himself.
- Mayor Pike: What?
- Barney Fife: The hundred-percent Otis Campbell. Or should I say "hundred-proof"?
- Mayor Pike: I specifically asked you to get us a substitute for him, but you didn't! You got *him*.
- Andy Taylor: You did and I didn't, but I did.
- Mayor Pike: How could you do it?
- Barney Fife: Well, he did!
- Mayor Pike: You didn't!
- Andy Taylor: I did!
- Mayor Pike: How?
- Andy Taylor: I just did.
- Mrs. Bixby: Mr. Campbell should be so excited about the news!
- Mrs. Harriet Wicks: I can't wait to tell him and watch his face light up!
- Andy Taylor: Oh, he'll be lit up alright.
- Barney Fife: Now, this is a chart of Nathan Tibbs' family tree.
- Andy Taylor: Where'd you get this?
- Barney Fife: Over at the library.
- Andy Taylor: You mean, this whole thing was in the library?
- Barney Fife: Well, not the whole thing. Just the start of it. The rest I deduced.
- Andy Taylor: Oh, you deduced?
- Barney Fife: Yeah. It deduces right out to me. Me, Barney Fife. I almost started to cry right in the library.