Barbara Barrie credited as playing...
Elizabeth Miller
- Elizabeth Miller: You really love it, don't you? You say "shootings and bombings" - your eyes light up.
- Barney Miller: Would it make you happier if I didn't like my work?
- Elizabeth Miller: It would make me happy if you liked me better. I don't think you like me better.
- Barney Miller: That is ridiculous.
- Elizabeth Miller: You remember the day you got your gold badge? How excited you were? Do you know what that means to a wife, to know that her husband is more excited by his badge than her body?
- Barney Miller: That's nonsense. I was every bit as excited by your body as my badge. More, probably.
- Elizabeth Miller: Sometimes your sense of humor really annoys me.
- Barney Miller: Goodbye, love - I have criminals waiting. I'll take you to the country this weekend.
- Elizabeth Miller: No - today, please. Humor me? I've humored you.
- Barney Miller: When?
- Elizabeth Miller: That night, on the other side of the George Washington Bridge - in the back seat of the Studebaker.
- Barney Miller: You promised you would never throw that up to me.
- Elizabeth Miller: Don't be silly - I throw it up to you every chance I can get.
- Barney Miller: I know.
- Barney Miller: I just thought this was another good opportunity.
- Barney Miller: Liz - I've had a wonderful time, but I really have to go.
- Elizabeth Miller: That's what you said that night in the Studebaker.
- Radio Announcer: This is 113 on your FM dial, on the 101st floor of the Empire State Building; have a good day
- Elizabeth Miller: Yeah, yeah - up there, where nobody can get to you.
- Elizabeth Miller: I have a "something's rotten in Denmark" feeling... Would you consider not going to work today, and taking me for a drive in the country?
- Barney Miller: Liz, you heard the radio - shootings, bombings; it's my busy season.
- Stanley Mankowitz: Hi, Rachel.
- Rachel Miller: Hi.
- Barney Miller: Hello, Stanley. Can I fix you a drink?
- Stanley Mankowitz: Uh - no, thank you, Captain Miller. Good evening, Mrs. Miller.
- Elizabeth Miller: Hi, Stanley.
- Stanley Mankowitz: Actually, I'm here tonight for two reasons. First, to take a certain young beautiful girl out to dinner - and second, to present a bottle of wine to the hero, as a tribute and a thank you.
- Elizabeth Miller: [as Barney turns, too late to cut off Stanley] Hero? What hero?
- Barney Miller: You shouldn't have done it, Stanley.
- Elizabeth Miller: What hero, Stanley?
- Stanley Mankowitz: Didn't he tell you?
- Elizabeth Miller: No.
- Stanley Mankowitz: Well, this morning, uh, some crazy kid strung out on drugs comes into the police station, and takes a gun away from one of the police officers and threatens to kill everyone in the place unless they let him go free - and Captain Barney Miller not only talks him out of it, but refers him to me as a client!
- Elizabeth Miller: Well! Isn't that swell, Stanley ?
- Rachel Miller: How could a thing like that happen?
- Elizabeth Miller: Happens all the time on a perfectly normal day.
- Barney Miller: What is everyone making a big deal about?
- Rachel Miller: Big Deal? Dad, you could have been killed!
- Barney Miller: Stanley's overdramatizing everything. He comes in with this wild story about some crazy kid comes into the police station, steals a policeman's gun, threaten to shoot everyone in the place unless we let him out.
- Rachel Miller: Isn't that what happened?
- Barney Miller: Of course not!
- Rachel Miller: Then what happened?
- Barney Miller: Some crazy kid came into the police station, stole a policeman's gun... threatens to shoot everyone in the place... unless we let him go.
- Elizabeth Miller: What the hell? A miss is as good as a mile, I always said.
- [first lines]
- Radio Announcer: This is 113 on your FM dial, at 7:30.
- Elizabeth Miller: Rachel! David! Breakfast! Barney - get the kids up for breakfast.
- Radio Announcer: Two banks on Wall Street were destroyed by explosions in the early hours of the morning. A new garbage strike looms on the horizon.
- Elizabeth Miller: Wonderful.
- Radio Announcer: And street gangs here have claimed the lives of two additional victims. Three Japanese terrorists have hijacked an Italian airliner - and in retaliation, three Italian terrorists have blown up a Japanese restaurant.
- Barney Miller: What's the weather look like outside?
- Elizabeth Miller: It's brown today.
- Barney Miller: Is it raining?
- Elizabeth Miller: Something's coming down, but I don't think it's water. It's a new plague. Isn't it pretty?
- Barney Miller: A little brown rain is normal for New York at this time of year. If it gets a little colder, we can look forward to a tan Christmas.
- Elizabeth Miller: I don't think you should go to work today.
- Barney Miller: Ah, a little brown in the air never bothered me yet.
- Elizabeth Miller: ...I think you should resign from the police force today. I think you should go to Montana, and buy a chicken farm today.
- Barney Miller: I don't like chickens.
- Elizabeth Miller: You don't know chickens. You've only seen them frozen, with pimples - and wrapped in plastic. You've never seen them cute and lively, with their fur on.
- Barney Miller: Fur?
- Elizabeth Miller: You'd be crazy about Montana.
- Barney Miller: You really hate it, I'm a cop.
- Elizabeth Miller: Yes.
- Elizabeth Miller: Don't beat around the bush.
- Elizabeth Miller: Are you aware of the fact that somebody tried to break in here last night?
- Barney Miller: How do you know?
- Elizabeth Miller: Because there's a clean spot on the window.
- Barney Miller: They must not have wanted to get in very badly. If they really wanted to break in, the bars on that window wouldn't have stopped them.
- Elizabeth Miller: Then what did we put them up for?
- Barney Miller: Don't you remember? I made a promise when we got married. I said I would do everything I could to make you happy. You wanted bars? I gave you bars.
- Elizabeth Miller: I'm very grateful. I love my bars.
- Barney Miller: Are you aware that statistics show that there is more crime in the streets than in the home?
- Elizabeth Miller: There's more room in the streets.