Adrian Edmondson: Eddie

Digger

Eddie

Lily Linneker: Lady Natasha Letitia Sarah Jane Wellsley.
Richie: Oo she sounds ni...
Lily Linneker: [continuing] -Obstronsky Ponsonsky Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Oblomov Boblomov Dob, third vicountess of Moldavia.
Eddie: Brilliant! We'll have half a dozen.

[Richie and Eddie are waiting outside Lily Linneker's Love Bureau]
Lily Linneker: Hello, gentlemen, sorry to have kept you waiting. Which one of you is Mr. Hitler?
Eddie: Oh, that'll be me.
Lily Linneker: Any relation?
Eddie: [puzzled] Well, I've got a mother.
Lily Linneker: No, no no no, I meant Adolf Hitler.
Eddie: Yes, that's her!

[Richie's date repeatedly knocks on the door]
Richie: All right, all right! Take it easy you bitch!
[pause]
Richie: I mean, Your Bitchness... I mean Lady Bitch of, oh God Eddie, what do you call them?
Eddie: Jugs, what do you call them?

Lily Linneker: [Checking their forms] I see, you want someone homely, with cooking skills, fun to be with... and a wazzo pair of jugs?
Richie: But obviously we're flexible.
Eddie: But not about the jugs.
Richie: No, we have to be firm on the jugs.
Eddie: And the jugs have to be very firm.
Richie: Oh, come off it, Eddie, there must be more to life than jugs.
Eddie: What?
Richie: [Thinks] You're right, a wazzo pair of jugs it is.

[Richie tries to impress his date, Lady Natasha Letitia Sarah Jane Wellesley Obstromsky Ponsonsky Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Ovlomov Boblomov Dob, third viscountess of Moldavia]
Richie: What was it Shakespeare used to say?
Eddie: [dressed as a butler] Um..."Hello, my dear. I'm a playwriter, you know. Come on, give us a snog".
Richie: No, Eddie!
Eddie: Um..."Where's my quill? Bloody Hell, I bought five yesterday! Where do they all go?"
Richie: [laughing nervously] No, really! What was it he used to say?
Eddie: "What do you mean, it's crap? There's eight bodies at the end, and he gets to shag his Mum!"
[Richie punches Eddie in the groin]

Richie: [indicating the posh nosh he has bought to impress his expensive date] I had to sell a kidney to buy this lot.
Eddie: Well, they didn't want mine.
Richie: Well, they're not much good pickled are they! Mind you, Sarsons showed some interest.

Richie: You're just jealous 'cause you're only a servant. Were you never in love?
Eddie: Yes I was, actually.
Richie: Oh! What was her name?
Eddie: [dreamy-eyed] Harry.
Richie: Harry?
Eddie: Harry Belafonte.
Richie: Wait, you were in love with Harry Belafonte?
Eddie: Well, that's what she said her name was. Well, she sort of shouted over her shoulder as she ran off into the night.
Richie: Let's forget shall we?
Eddie: That's what she said!
Richie: No, let's just drop it.
Eddie: She said that as well!
Richie: Edward Hitler, I am really not interested!
Eddie: This is uncanny! Were you there?

Richie: [Spots something in the bowls] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What is this? You haven't even cleaned these bowls out, Eddie.
[He empties the contents of the bowls into the bin]
Richie: This is disgusting, must I do everything myself? What is this stuff?
Eddie: That's the caviar.
Richie: What?
Eddie: Yeah, about two-hundred quids worth, that's about half a kidney.
Richie: [Gathers it back in] Oh yes, so it is. They've changed the design a bit, haven't they? Very novel and interesting. There, that'll do, no-one will know. Now, Eddie, have you strained you vegetables?
Eddie: No, it's just these hired trousers are a bit tight.
Richie: Come on, get on with it, look! You haven't even mashed the potatoes. Where is the potato masher?
Eddie: Well, Harry "I'll do anything for half-a-pint" Grundy's still got it.
Richie: Has he still got it?
Eddie: Yeah, they couldn't get it out of him in the hospital.
Richie: Well, you'll just have to use your head.
Eddie: What do you mean?
Richie: This.
[Shoves Eddie's head into the pan]