Rik Mayall credited as playing...
Richie
- Eddie: [to Richie] How's your sausage?
- Richie: [looking surprised] 's A bit personal, isn't it? Oh, I see, you mean my *sausage*!
- [points at frying pan]
- Eddie: Yes?
- Richie: You're asking me about my sausage?
- Eddie: Sausage, yes?
- Richie: Not my penis?
- Eddie: [astonished] No!
- Richie: Oh, thank heavens for that! Well, what can I tell you, Eddie, it's an absolute disaster! I just can't get the hang of this cooking lark! I mean, you put the sausage in the pan, you set it on fire, and what happens? It gets incinerated!
- Eddie: Well, maybe we should eat our flakes?
- [Richie looks disgusted. Eddie holds up a box of cornflakes]
- Richie: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I see what you mean, yes! I think I'm getting "double entendre disease"!
- Eddie: Can I drink your juice?
- Richie: [looking revolted, then realizing] Oh! Oh, yes! Yes, of course, go ahead! I think I'm going mad this morning!
- [knocking on the front door]
- Eddie: Someone's giving our knocker a damn good banging! I'd better go see who it is!
- Richie: Righty 'o! I'll grab a hold of my sausage and give it a good seeing-to!
- Richie: Well, I just got to finish my sprouts Mexicain, and we're all set!
- Eddie: Sprouts Mexicain?
- Richie: [gloating] Sprouts Mexicain!
- Eddie: What's that?
- Richie: Well, it's a... sprouts, pinch of chili powder, jar of curry powder, hint of tabasco sauce - well, three bottles, actually. Not so much a hint, more a party political broadcast. And the secret ingredient: gun powder!
- Eddie: *Sprouts*?
- Richie: Yeah! They were left over from last Christmas!
- [taps his bottom]
- Richie: Ta ta-ta-ta ta-ta!
- Eddie: But it's October!
- Richie: Yes, yes, I know, they were a bit... frisky. But the spices'll cover up any embarassment!
- [Oven explodes]
- Richie: Hey, they must be ready!
- Dave Hedgehog: [the four all wake up after eating the Sprouts Mexicain] Are we in hell?
- Richie: No, no it's worse, we're still in the flat!
- Dave Hedgehog: Well, where's the devil then?
- Richie: Well, he'll be turning up at midnight, won't he?
- Spudgun: Why does he always come out at midnight?
- Eddie: Well, it's chucking out time, isn't it?
- Richie: Shut up, shut up, look! Regard the clock! Here it comes, here it comes and...
- [the clock strikes midnight with an audible clunk]
- Richie: Bloody clock!
- [Three slow, loud knocks resonate from the front door, all the boys scream in terror as jets of flame propel from their rears, finally the flames die down]
- Richie: That'll be him!
- Eddie: Hey, hey! Speak of the devil!
- Richie: I don't want to hear any language like that, young man! And I don't want any of you going round saying "Hi, feeling horny?" This is the big one, alright? This is Mr Scary-Pants! God, just think. In twenty-five years I'll probably have no knob left from overuse!
- Eddie: So what's new?
- Richie: Right, best behavior everyone. No, worst behavior, actually! Start swearing and picking your noses and stuff!
- [Another flame jet from his rear]
- Richie: God, what a night to have Guy Fawkes bottom!
- Richie: [the electric cattle prod had backfired on Richie for the third time ruining his tights again] Eddie, you know this is my last pair of tights, don't you?
- Eddie: [Wafting the air] Yeah, well, come on, let's go this way. As long as we head into the wind we'll be alright.
- Richie: Eddie, if any of this ever gets out...
- [Eddie checks Richie's tights]
- Richie: No, no not that! Oh, come on I've got to get home.
- Eddie: What do you mean? We've only made half a Curly-Wurly, two apples full of razor blades and four summonses! That's not enough for a party, is it?
- Spudgun: You having a party? Can I come?
- Richie: Yes, we're having a party, but everyone's got to chip in a bit for the beer money.
- Spudgun: How much?
- Richie: Five grand.
- Spudgun: Bit steep.
- Eddie: How much you got?
- Spudgun: [Taking money out of his pockets] £2.50.
- Eddie: You're in.
- Richie: And bring all your friends, as well, and they've got to bring beer money as well, £2.50. Come on, Eddie, we're gonna make a fortune out of this!
- [They head on home]
- Richie: Let's go find a supermarket trolley and you can wheel me home. Bloody cattle prod! I don't know how these cattle get about! I tell ya, it's no wonder they all live in the country!
- Eddie: I can't see anymore! Mind if I go in front?
- Richie: I'm going to raise the devil. Matter of fact, I haven't been to church for years! And when I did go I found it rather boring!
- Eddie: Oh yeah, and what are you gonna do if he gets here?
- Richie: Well we'll do something satanic and devilly, won't we?
- Eddie: What, like trick or treating?
- Richie: No, like...
- Spudgun: Watching Emmerdale!
- Richie: No, no!
- Dave Hedgehog: Taking him down the pub?
- Richie: No, no, no, it's gotta be something supremely evil.
- Eddie: What, like blowing off in a phone booth and running away?
- Richie: Yes, yes, that' much more the feel.
- Richie: Alright, just on this one occasion, you can be a talking Halloween banana.
- Eddie: Okey dokey! What do I say?
- Richie: You say "Trick or treat? Just cash, no sweets." And if they give us any trouble at all, I give them a quick blast with the electric cattle prod. Where is it, by the way?
- Eddie: [cackles and lifts up the cattle prod from behind the sofa] Here it is!
- Richie: I say, Eddie, that looks the business. Does it work?
- Eddie: Why, yes indeedy!
- Richie: [imitates jabbing someone with the cattle prod] Yeah! Yeah! Right, how do you switch it on?
- Eddie: It's just that little lever there.
- Richie: This one here?
- [Richie activates the cattle prod, but it backfires on him, eventually causing him to loudly defecate in his tights]
- Richie: Well, that's it, decision made. I'll have to wear the green tights now!
- Dave Hedgehog: What does the Devil drink?
- Spudgun: Blood, isn't it?
- Eddie: Virgin's blood.
- [Nervous looks from all]
- Richie: No no no, it's virgin *girl's* blood.
- [Relieved sighs from the others]
- Richie: Good, that's sorted, so anyone know any virgin girls?
- ["No" from all]
- Richie: Anyone know any girls?
- ["No" again]
- Richie: Oh come on, Eddie, what about Ethel Cardew, your paramour?
- Eddie: She is neither a virgin, nor technically speaking, a girl. Besides which she hasn't been speaking to me since the superglue incident. Hasn't been speaking to anyone much actually.
- [Motions sealed mouth]
- Richie: Shut up, Eddie, shut up. This is a bloody good idea! All we've gotta do is find out the secret incantation, raise him up, swing the deal and Bob's your uncle! I'll be shagging by half-past two! Eddie, you make a pentangle, I'll go and look up the secret devil-raising incantation in my Ladybird Book of Witches. Come on, look lively, I'll buy you all a drink after me first shag!
- [Jet of flame from his rear]
- Eddie: Anyone got any pens?
- Dave Hedgehog: I've got a pencil.
- Eddie: It'll have to be a penciltangle then.