Steven O'Donnell credited as playing...
Spudgun
- [Eddie has made some home-brewed liquor in his bathtub]
- Dave Hedgehog, Spudgun: Hello, Eddie.
- Eddie: Hi, boys! Well, this is the Devil's brew! You didn't bring any led tankers with you, did you? All the cups keep dissolving.
- Dave Hedgehog, Spudgun: No.
- Eddie: Well, we'll have to use the pans, then. Here you go, help yourself!
- [he hands them pans, they fill them]
- Eddie: Hmmm, cheers!
- Dave Hedgehog, Spudgun: Cheers!
- [they all take a sip, which doesn't go down lightly]
- Spudgun: Oooh! Cheeky little number!
- Eddie: That's it. It has a certain robustness that demands attention!
- Dave Hedgehog: Possibly medical.
- Dave Hedgehog: [the four all wake up after eating the Sprouts Mexicain] Are we in hell?
- Richie: No, no it's worse, we're still in the flat!
- Dave Hedgehog: Well, where's the devil then?
- Richie: Well, he'll be turning up at midnight, won't he?
- Spudgun: Why does he always come out at midnight?
- Eddie: Well, it's chucking out time, isn't it?
- Richie: Shut up, shut up, look! Regard the clock! Here it comes, here it comes and...
- [the clock strikes midnight with an audible clunk]
- Richie: Bloody clock!
- [Three slow, loud knocks resonate from the front door, all the boys scream in terror as jets of flame propel from their rears, finally the flames die down]
- Richie: That'll be him!
- Eddie: Hey, hey! Speak of the devil!
- Richie: I don't want to hear any language like that, young man! And I don't want any of you going round saying "Hi, feeling horny?" This is the big one, alright? This is Mr Scary-Pants! God, just think. In twenty-five years I'll probably have no knob left from overuse!
- Eddie: So what's new?
- Richie: Right, best behavior everyone. No, worst behavior, actually! Start swearing and picking your noses and stuff!
- [Another flame jet from his rear]
- Richie: God, what a night to have Guy Fawkes bottom!
- Richie: [the electric cattle prod had backfired on Richie for the third time ruining his tights again] Eddie, you know this is my last pair of tights, don't you?
- Eddie: [Wafting the air] Yeah, well, come on, let's go this way. As long as we head into the wind we'll be alright.
- Richie: Eddie, if any of this ever gets out...
- [Eddie checks Richie's tights]
- Richie: No, no not that! Oh, come on I've got to get home.
- Eddie: What do you mean? We've only made half a Curly-Wurly, two apples full of razor blades and four summonses! That's not enough for a party, is it?
- Spudgun: You having a party? Can I come?
- Richie: Yes, we're having a party, but everyone's got to chip in a bit for the beer money.
- Spudgun: How much?
- Richie: Five grand.
- Spudgun: Bit steep.
- Eddie: How much you got?
- Spudgun: [Taking money out of his pockets] £2.50.
- Eddie: You're in.
- Richie: And bring all your friends, as well, and they've got to bring beer money as well, £2.50. Come on, Eddie, we're gonna make a fortune out of this!
- [They head on home]
- Richie: Let's go find a supermarket trolley and you can wheel me home. Bloody cattle prod! I don't know how these cattle get about! I tell ya, it's no wonder they all live in the country!
- Eddie: I can't see anymore! Mind if I go in front?
- Richie: I'm going to raise the devil. Matter of fact, I haven't been to church for years! And when I did go I found it rather boring!
- Eddie: Oh yeah, and what are you gonna do if he gets here?
- Richie: Well we'll do something satanic and devilly, won't we?
- Eddie: What, like trick or treating?
- Richie: No, like...
- Spudgun: Watching Emmerdale!
- Richie: No, no!
- Dave Hedgehog: Taking him down the pub?
- Richie: No, no, no, it's gotta be something supremely evil.
- Eddie: What, like blowing off in a phone booth and running away?
- Richie: Yes, yes, that' much more the feel.
- Dave Hedgehog: What does the Devil drink?
- Spudgun: Blood, isn't it?
- Eddie: Virgin's blood.
- [Nervous looks from all]
- Richie: No no no, it's virgin *girl's* blood.
- [Relieved sighs from the others]
- Richie: Good, that's sorted, so anyone know any virgin girls?
- ["No" from all]
- Richie: Anyone know any girls?
- ["No" again]
- Richie: Oh come on, Eddie, what about Ethel Cardew, your paramour?
- Eddie: She is neither a virgin, nor technically speaking, a girl. Besides which she hasn't been speaking to me since the superglue incident. Hasn't been speaking to anyone much actually.
- [Motions sealed mouth]
- Richie: Shut up, Eddie, shut up. This is a bloody good idea! All we've gotta do is find out the secret incantation, raise him up, swing the deal and Bob's your uncle! I'll be shagging by half-past two! Eddie, you make a pentangle, I'll go and look up the secret devil-raising incantation in my Ladybird Book of Witches. Come on, look lively, I'll buy you all a drink after me first shag!
- [Jet of flame from his rear]
- Eddie: Anyone got any pens?
- Dave Hedgehog: I've got a pencil.
- Eddie: It'll have to be a penciltangle then.