Jessica Walter credited as playing...
Fran Sinclair
- Earl Sinclair: [presenting the toy car wrapped in paper] Son, this present is only for good little boys. You can have it, if you promise to be good.
- Baby Sinclair: [Faking Innocence] I'll be good... I promise.
- [a golden halo appears on top of baby's head and a twinkle happens in his eye]
- Fran Sinclair: It's not right, Earl, bribing a child to behave!
- Earl Sinclair: ...and if it works?
- Fran Sinclair: It's a short sighted, stop gap, quick fix solution...
- Earl Sinclair: You don't have to sell me on it.
- [Fran grunts irritably]
- Earl Sinclair: Here, son, look! A car!
- Baby Sinclair: [excited] A car! Oh, boy!
- Earl Sinclair: [giggles] Come on.
- [grabs the Baby and puts him in the kiddie car]
- Robbie Sinclair: Gee Dad, you never bribed me with anything neat like that.
- Earl Sinclair: You were never rotten enough to deserve it.
- Blarney: [singing with kids named Jeff and Tim] Okay here we go. I am Blarney I love you. E-I-E-I-O. And if you're nice you'll love me, too. E-I-E-I-O.
- Robbie Sinclair: Well, it does seem to have quiet him down a little.
- Blarney: [still singing] With a love love here, and a love love there, here a love there a love, everywhere a love love.
- Fran Sinclair: It's interesting, he strikes a chord with children. Something about Blarney inlooses the purest feelings of warmth and affection.
- Baby Sinclair: [with a baby bottle on his slingshot] EAT GLASS, BLARNEY!
- Blarney: [Launches the bottle at the TV] AAAAAHHHH!
- Baby Sinclair: [TV blows up and Fran and Robbie were shocked in surprise] DIE SUM, DIE!
- Robbie Sinclair: [as Baby cackles] Well, I gotta say, I'm with him.
- Fran Sinclair: That does it! I am fed up with your bad behavior, you are going to your room!
- Baby Sinclair: NO, I WANT PRESENTS!
- Fran Sinclair: You are going to your room, there will be no more presents.
- Earl Sinclair: It's present time!
- Dr. Herder: Terrible twos.
- Fran Sinclair: We think so.
- Dr. Herder: Oh, I've seen this a hundred times before. A child of two is looking for his parents to give him some concrete boundaries. So I suggest you wall him up inside a cave for a year.
- Dr. Herder: [gives the letter to Earl Sinclair] Here. Take this to the hardware store, they'll give you cement and a trowel.
- Earl Sinclair: Doc, can I get a refill for this if he claws his way out?
- Fran Sinclair: We are not cementing our baby into a cave.
- Fran Sinclair: Please, we're desperate!
- Earl Sinclair: Yeah.
- Grandma Ethyl Phillips: Look, I already told you. He's two, it's terrible, end of story.
- Fran Sinclair: There's nothing we can do? There's no help for us anywhere? Oh, Earl, I don't think I can go on much longer.
- [cries]
- Earl Sinclair: And we were gonna ask to jump out of the cake.
- Fran Sinclair: Terrible twos. That's an old wives' tale.
- Ethyl: So what do I look like, a debutante? Think back, Fran. You've gone through this twice before. Robbie, and then Charlene.
- Fran Sinclair: Well, let me see. I remember making little decorative twos for the birthday cakes.................. . and then they were three years old. That's funny. I've no recollection of that entire year.
- Earl Sinclair: Fran, let me try. Uh, I was sneaking a taste of the icing from Robbie's second birthday cake............... . and then it was this morning. Did I miss anything, Fran?
- Ethyl: Oh, jeez.
- Fran Sinclair: That's odd. Neither of us has any recollection of the children being two.
- Ethyl: It's was so traumatic and horrible you blocked it out, and now it's gonna happen again. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
- Earl Sinclair, Fran Sinclair, Robbie Sinclair, Charlene Sinclair: [singing] Happy Birthday dear Baby Happy Birthday to you
- Baby Sinclair: [singing] Happy birthday to me
- [the whole family laugh and electricity crackles]
- Baby Sinclair: [cackles]
- Earl Sinclair: Okay, son, time to blow out the candles.
- [Baby Sinclair breathes smoke at the family]
- Charlene Sinclair: Baby!
- Earl Sinclair: [Baby Sinclair laughs]
- [puts icing in his mouth and smacks his lips]
- Earl Sinclair: Yum. Devil's food.
- Robbie Sinclair: Hey, birthday boy, help is on the way.
- [laughs]
- Robbie Sinclair: Here you go, bro, a little something I made for you in shop class.
- Baby Sinclair: Gimme, gimme, gimme!
- Robbie Sinclair: Ow! I think I lost my finger.
- [Baby Sinclair unwraps a present]
- Fran Sinclair: Oh, a toy train.
- Robbie Sinclair: Yeah, I worked on it all year. I even whittled little forks and spoons for the dining cart.
- [laughs]
- Fran Sinclair: Wasn't that thoughtful?
- Baby Sinclair: [gets angry and smashes the toy train with a hammer] Want something from the store!
- Fran Sinclair: Oh!
- [Baby Sinclair cries]
- Robbie Sinclair: Gee, that clear varnish doesn't protect like it's supposed to.
- Charlene Sinclair: Oh, I'm sorry.
- Baby Sinclair: [angrily] I'm not happy! I'm not happy! I'M NOT HAPPY!
- Baby Sinclair: [angrily] I want to watch TV!
- Babysitter: What time is the child's bedtime?
- Fran Sinclair: Eight o'clock.
- Babysitter: It is too late to watch television. It is your bedtime.
- Baby Sinclair: [angrily] No! Don't want to go to sleep! Don't wanna, don't wanna, don't wanna!
- Babysitter: You will sleep, for I will read from the bedtime book.
- Baby Sinclair: [angrily] Not that book! Not that book!
- Fran Sinclair: Thank you so much for coming.
- Earl Sinclair: You want to hear some background on the case?
- Babysitter: That is of no use to me. The child is two years old?
- Earl Sinclair, Fran Sinclair: Yes.
- Babysitter: May heaven have mercy upon this house. Follow me. Hmm. Yes. Yes.
- Baby Sinclair: Mama. Not the mama. It's my birthday?
- Fran Sinclair: That's right, sweetheart. You're not two anymore. You're three years old. Now blow out your birthday candles.
- Baby Sinclair: Yeah, yeah! Okay.
- [blows out his birthday candles, and the family cheers]
- Baby Sinclair: I'm starving. How about some cake?
- Earl Sinclair: Aww. It's great to have you back, son.