Jonathan Katz: Dr. Katz

Office Management

Dr. Katz

[Laura is calling Dr. Katz to say she's not coming to work, but Ben answered the phone and won't hand it off]
Dr. Katz: Why isn't she coming to work?
Ben Katz: How come you're not coming to work, Laura?
Laura: Just, uh, I have a few errands to do. I have to get my watch fixed.
Ben Katz: [Off phone to his dad] Women's problems, dad.
Dr. Katz: [unconvinced] Ohh.
Laura: And, uh, holiday shopping.
Ben Katz: Are you sick?
Laura: [impatiently] I have to get my watch fixed.
Ben Katz: Yeah, but are you sick, too?
Laura: No.
Ben Katz: Really?
Laura: Really.
Ben Katz: Well, then how come you can't come to work?
Laura: 'Cause I have to get my watch fixed!
Ben Katz: How long does that take? I mean I know...
Laura: All day!
Ben Katz: Oh, you're fixing it yourself?

Ray: She's crazy, my daughter.
Dr. Katz: How old is she now?
Ray: She's, uh, four. And she's, um...
Dr. Katz: Well that's, that's a good age.
Ray: Yeah, that's the privilege of being four: You can be crazy. You don't gotta come to therapy at four. The other day, the other day she came in, there were people over at our house...
Dr. Katz: Yeah?
Ray: ...And she named her toes for everyone. She had a name for every toe: "Oh that's Judy, that's Nancy, that's Karen." Yeah, oh everybody thought that was adorable. Yeah, but if grandpa does it, it's a tragedy all of a sudden.
Dr. Katz: Hmm.
Ray: Nobody wants THAT. Nobody wants grandpa comin' in: "Hey hey, that's Fat Tony, and that's Jimmy the Weasel. They're pissin' me off." One of my two year olds, you know, this is what I wanted to ask you, if this is normal.
Dr. Katz: "Normal" is not a word I like to use, Ray.
Ray: He was in the bathtub, and I guess the water must've stimulated him. You know what I'm gettin' at here?
Dr. Katz: Yeah, that's normal.
Ray: He, he's only two. That's weird.
Dr. Katz: Perfectly natural to be stimulated by warm water.
Ray: Okay. And that's a big day for a two year old when he realizes that his, uh, part of his body gets larger. Oh, he came runnin' out of the bathtub: "Pee pee big! Pee pee big!" Which, y'know, once again: Cute. Grandpa does that? Not so cute anymore. Right? There's your double standard. Why can't grandpa get excited? I'm sure he's just as surprised as the two year old.

Dr. Katz: [Talking about Las Vegas] How about legalized prostitution, huh? So I hear. Over there.
Dr. Katz: Yeah, it's all over there.
Ray: And it was hot. When were you... Were you there in the summer?
Ray: Yes, very very...
Ray: Hundred and fourteen degrees! But you know what? I'd rather be in Vegas a hundred and fourteen than New York ninety. You know why? Legalized prostitution!

Ben Katz: It seems to me that Laura is unhappy at the office. She wouldn't be calling in and, uh, you know, saying she can't come to work, uh, for no good reason.
Dr. Katz: Maybe... You think I... ?
Ben Katz: Well, I think that things sound a little tense at the office, I mean, and you have one...
Dr. Katz: No, I think... I think, if anything, that she is the source of the tension.
Ben Katz: You know, it's not right to project...
Dr. Katz: I create, uh, a fairly professional environment, it's a comfortable environment to work in, I pay well, I treat her with respect...
Ben Katz: Well, to be honest, it's the responsibility of the employer to create a good working atmosphere, and...
Dr. Katz: Isn't that what I just said that I do?
Ben Katz: I don't know, I didn't listen.
Dr. Katz: Well, that's the problem then.
Ben Katz: I'm just saying, because you only have one employee, and she's potentially very unhappy. You know, most companies have thousands of employees, and, uh...
Dr. Katz: So you're saying a hundred percent of my employees are unhappy.
Ben Katz: Yeah. And that's a bad percent.
Dr. Katz: But what about...
Ben Katz: It's a good percentage if it was a good thing.

Dr. Katz: Las Vegas, Ray, is not really... a city. It's more of a celebration of everything evil.
Ray: They just take your money so quick there. Y'know? There's- there's slot machines in the supermarket. You know that?
Dr. Katz: Yeah.
Ray: It's pathetic.
Dr. Katz: Sure.
Ray: There's people there with their shopping lists- "Eh, eh... oh, we don't need eggs." It's not right.