Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin • Brian Griffin • Stewie Griffin • ...

Chitty Chitty Death Bang

Peter Griffin • Brian Griffin • Stewie Griffin • Cult Kid #1 • Doctor • Henry • Jesus Christ • Security Guard

Chris Griffin: Hey, birthday dude! You want some ice cream?
Stewie Griffin: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

Brian Griffin: Well Peter, you've only got a couple of hours left. If you're gonna pull a party out of your ass, you may wanna stand up.

Peter Griffin: [riding a circus elephant] Hey, Lois, look. The two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change.

Riff: Uh, okay, man, you are really throwing me off. It's step-kick-step-twirl. Got it?
Peter Griffin: I thought we were going gonna rumble with those greasy Sharks.
Riff: Not without seven years of ballet and two of jazz tap, we're not. From the top, people! Why don't you just hang back and stretch?
[Peter looks disappointed]

[Stewie is taken by an airport security guard]
Stewie Griffin: Damn you! You're one of them. What are they paying you? I'll double it! I'll give you whatever you want! Money, women... men?

Cheesy Charlie's Manager: We have many flavors of ice cream - vanilla, strawberry, chocolate, and people.
Peter Griffin: What was that last one?
Cheesy Charlie's Manager: Chocolate.

Timmy: I have 13 tickets, now. Is that enough?
Cheesy Charlie's Employee: Oh, I'm sorry Timmy, but you need 15 tickets to live.

[Brian is at Stewie's party. A clown holding a soda siphon passes]
Brian Griffin: Hey you, hit me!
[the clown squirts soda water into Brian's Martini glass]
Brian Griffin: Now if I can just find a midget with some gin I'll be in business.

Brian: [after Peter tells Lois an outlandish story about failing to secure Cheesy Charlie's for Stewie's birthday] Congratulations, Peter. You're the Spalding Gray of crap.

Stewie Griffin: What do you want?
Cult Leader: I want to get the hell out of here!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I'm sorry, We're fresh out of that, but what I can give you is *untimely death*!

Jolene: Well hey there little boy, are you lost?
Stewie Griffin: Now listen to me...
[Reads name tag]
Stewie Griffin: Jo-LENE, I've got an army to raise and I must get to Nicaragua. I require a window seat and an in-flight happy meal - and no pickles! Oh God help you if I find pickles!

Stewie Griffin: The ruptured capillaries in your nose belie the clarity of your wisdom.

Cheesy Charlie's Manager: Welcome to Cheesy Charlie's. Heil Hitler!
Peter Griffin: Uh, ah. Actually the name's Griffin. I was sent by my smart, beautiful and still sexually appealing wife Lois.
Cheesy Charlie's Manager: Ah, yes. We're all set for your little boys party.

Peter Griffin: You do children's parties?
Bruce the Performance Artist: Oh yeah, I can do like, a handstand, and some somersaults, maybe ah, I can make pretend like the children are little bugs in my web.

Stewie Griffin: [addressing a group of infants] I offer you the opportunity to join me in glorious battle. I know there are some amongst you whose motor skills are not yet developed. Sadly you will be used as decoys. But your children's children will know that you fell for a noble cause. Now who's with me?
Timmy: Ducky?
Stewie Griffin: Nah! Useless, every one of you! Fine, I'll defend myself and to hell with all of you!
[shivers]
Stewie Griffin: Ah! There I've gone and soiled myself. Are you happy now?