Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin • Brian Griffin • Stewie Griffin • ...
Peter Griffin: Husband, Father... Brother?
Family Guy
Seth MacFarlane credited as playing...
Peter Griffin • Brian Griffin • Stewie Griffin • Glenn Quagmire • Tom Tucker • Carter Pewterschmidt • Jake Tucker • Nate Griffin • Osias Griffin • Thomas Griffin • Voiceover • Scientist #1
- Peter Griffin: Hey. Nice job out there tonight, Chris. You wiped the floor with that towel.
- Chris Griffin: Yo! Did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah. I was looking to break off a little somethin'-somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.
- [Peter stops the car]
- Lois Griffin: Peter, what's wrong?
- Peter Griffin: He's speaking in tongues, Lois! Our son is possessed!
- [hands a book to Meg]
- Peter Griffin: Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't start reading until I tell you!
- [sprays holy water on Chris]
- Peter Griffin: The power of Christ compels you!
- [Chris screams]
- Peter Griffin: The power of Christ compels you!
- [Chris continues screaming]
- Lois Griffin: Peter, stop! He's not possessed!
- Meg Griffin: Yeah, he's just talking street. Lots of kids do it.
- Peter Griffin: Oh. Well, that's kinda weird.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know.
- Brian Griffin: Yeah, like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life.
- [flashback]
- Peter Griffin: I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow, I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately, I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with a long fatigue of a weary life.
- [Lois punches Peter, then leaves; later at nighttime]
- Peter Griffin: I awoke several hours later in a daze.
- Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the First Battle of Antietam, I mean when a Neo-Conservative defenestrates, it's like Raskolnikov filibustered deoxymonohydroxinate
- Peter Griffin: What the hell does rant mean?
- [a police officer pulls Peter over in his car]
- Cop: License and reg... hey, aren't you the guy who found out he's part black?
- Peter Griffin: Yes I am.
- Cop: [into walkie-talkie] Report of a possible stolen vehicle.
- Peter Griffin: But this is my car.
- Cop: Suspect becoming beligerent.
- Peter Griffin: Wha...
- Cop: Officer down.
- [Officer falls to ground, police cars surround Peter]
- Peter Griffin: [laughs]
- Brian Griffin: [reading Nate Griffin's diary] See, that laugh is in here too. "Hehheheheheehehehe"
- Peter Griffin: Lois, come see what I did with the money your dad gave me.
- Lois Griffin: Oh my God. You turned the den into Pee Wee's Playhouse?
- Peter Griffin: [singing] Come on, get up / Knock off your napping / It's a crazy, messed up place where anything can happen / There's a chair that freakin' talks. Hey look! / There's some fish that give advice. Holy crap / It's screwey at Peter's Playhouse. Ha ha ha. Watch this, Lois.
- [to Brian]
- Peter Griffin: OK say it
- Brian Griffin: [as Jambi the Genie] Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hinie - God, I hate you so much.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, that reparation money should be going to worthy black charity.
- Peter Griffin: Lois, the King of Cartoons will be here in 5 minutes. I will not have you embarrass me.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, you're acting ridiculous.
- Peter Griffin: [everyone screams, "Ridiculous" flashes at the bottom of the screen] You said the secret word!
- [Peter and his new "posse" have just come in the door]
- Peter Griffin: Go in the kitchen and make yourselves some sandwiches.
- Carter Pewterschmit: My jacket's in there, please don't write on it.
- Peter Griffin: [after learning about his African American ancestor Nate Griffin] Wow, then it's true.
- Chris Griffin: Cool! I get to be Black and Irish.
- Meg Griffin: Yeah. And now I can wear clothes that actually show off my big butt.
- Peter Griffin: Hey, Chris! Whatcha doing?
- Chris Griffin: Jus' layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homey. Yo, Pops, lemme have some cheddar. Some playa-hata be throwin' salt in my game - grillin' me over my gear. An' I needs to be mackin' style!
- Peter Griffin: Well eh the important thing is you tried, son.
- Peter Griffin: [Trying to explain himself] Gentlemen, please. Judge me not by the color of my skin. For I have always been there for you!
- [the crowd heckles him]
- Peter Griffin: I was there for the good times! When George and Weezy moved on up to the East Side, I was there! Oh! Oh! Hallelujah! Those were happy times! But, but, I was also there for the bad ones! When Florida lost James to that tragic auto accident, I was there. And when Tootie got those painfully terrible braces! I was there! And when Arnold Jackson got beat up by the Gooch, I was there! So, before you decide that I don't belong here, remember this: I was there!
- [the crowd cheers]
- Peter Griffin: Chris starts with all this "Yo, yo, yo" stuff, and I don't know what he's talkin' about. So I started beatin' him with a hose. Then my arm got tired, so I came here.
- Carter Pewterschmit: Well I absolutely will not give you an apology, and I'm assuming "Rice Krispies treats" is black slang for money, so here's ten thousand dollars.
- Girl: [fawning] Ooh, he wants to be a cheerleader too.
- Stewie Griffin: My, so it's that easy to win you over. Consider yourselves lucky I'm not after your gully holes.
- Peter Griffin: [speaking at press conference] Hey, from down there, does it look like I'm talkin' into a bunch of robot penises?