Seth MacFarlane credited as playing...
Peter Griffin • Brian Griffin • Stewie Griffin • Rashad • The Pope • Dennis De Young • Dentist • Tree • Arab #2 • Arab Dad • German Tourist
- [Brian and Stewie are on a German tour bus]
- German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's contributions to ze arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided.
- Brian Griffin: Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.
- German Tour Guide: Everyone vas on vacation. On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15...
- Brian Griffin: Wait, what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...
- German Tour Guide: We were invited. Punch vas served. Check vit Poland.
- Brian Griffin: You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany.
- German Tour Guide: Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen.
- Brian Griffin: A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous.
- German Tour Guide: I vill hear no more insinuations about the German people. Nothing bad happened. Sie werden sich hinsetzen. Sie werden ruhig sein. Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland!
- [You will sit down. You will be calm. You will not insult Germany!]
- German Tour Guide: [throws his hand up in a Hitler salute]
- Brian Griffin: ...uh, is that a beer hall?
- German Tour Guide: Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls.
- Brian Griffin: Want to go get an ice cream? Will that make you feel better?
- [Stewie shakes his head]
- Brian Griffin: Want to get some McDonald's?
- [Stewie shakes his head]
- Brian Griffin: Want to go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes?
- [Stewie nods]
- Brian Griffin: All right, let's take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.
- Stewie Griffin: [in an Amsterdam hash bar] The only reason we die, is because we accept death as an inevitability.
- [Stewie has run away and Brian discovers this note]
- Stewie Griffin: Dear Stupid Dog, I've gone to live with the children on "Jolly Farm". Goodbye forever. Stewie. P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Umm, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the thirty day return limit but umm... I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. Umm... It's actually not a horrible sweater. It's... It's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it you know? Oh I also left a button on the bureau. I'm not sure what it goes to, but I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know that as soon as I do I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll... Wait a minute, could it be from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm... Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, goodbye forever. P.P.S. You know, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.
- Brian Griffin: Oh My God!
- Stewie Griffin: I say, is that Tom Bosley?
- Brian Griffin: What would Tom Bosley be doing on a train to Switzerland?
- Stewie Griffin: I don't know.
- [shouts]
- Stewie Griffin: Tom!
- [quickly hides his head down beneath his newspaper, he then looks up]
- Stewie Griffin: Well, did he look?
- Brian Griffin: I don't know.
- Stewie Griffin: Well you were supposed to look.
- [shouts]
- Stewie Griffin: Tom Bosley!
- [looks down]
- Brian Griffin: No, it's not him.
- Brian Griffin: All right, if you're serious about this, I'll go with you. But I better ask Peter and Lois if it okay first.
- Stewie Griffin: Oh, they won't even know we're gone!
- [Stewie takes out a remote and presses the button. Cut to the inside. Robotic Stewie and Brian emerge from the closet]
- Stewie Griffin: Damn you, vile woman! Blast! What the deuce!
- Brian Griffin: I am a tool! Stewie is better than me at everything including arts and crafts and the guitar. I have no friends.
- Peter Griffin: What I said before... I've never been more wrong in my life. You are the coolest girl in the world. My wife did KISS!
- Lois Griffin: [quietly] And J. Geils.
- Peter Griffin: What?
- Lois Griffin: Nothing.
- Stewie Griffin: [singing] You and I are so awfully different, too awfully different, to ever be pals.
- Stewie Griffin: Do you wanna go first?
- Brian Griffin: Yeah, I'll go. Your favorite hero is the Marquis De Sade.
- Stewie Griffin: Oh, you're one to talk. You got a stiffy from Phylicia Rashad.
- Brian Griffin: [holding a metal plate in front of him] Oh, one time.
- [ding]
- Stewie Griffin: I have a style, flair. Just look at my hip hair.
- Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, that's quite a nice 'do there.
- Stewie Griffin: Oh, thanks.
- Brian Griffin: [as Triumph] For me to poop on!
- Stewie Griffin: What?
- Brian Griffin: [normal voice] Oh, come on. You look like Charlie Brown.
- Stewie Griffin: Oh, bite me, Snoopy.
- Stewie Griffin: There's not a whole lot that we got to agree on...
- Brian Griffin: 'Cause I love the strains of a classical score...
- Stewie Griffin: And I like that singer who looks like a whore...
- Brian Griffin: Ricky Martin?
- Stewie Griffin: Love him.
- Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: [singing continued] We're too different to ever be pals... You and I are so awfully different, too awfully different, to ever be pals.
- Brian Griffin: Your head's as massive as a meteorite.
- Stewie Griffin: Oh, very funny... You have a weenie like a Christmas tree light.
- Brian Griffin: I bet money, you'll marry a honey, who's pretty and funny, and her name will be Ted.
- Stewie Griffin: Oh, a gay joke.
- Brian Griffin: I just work with what you give me.
- Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: You might think we're 'N Sync but we stink, as a duo.
- Brian Griffin: 'Cause you get a kick out of carnage and guts.
- Stewie Griffin: And you get a kick out of stroking your...
- Brian Griffin: Whoa whoa whoa, you can't say that on TV!
- Stewie Griffin: What, ego?
- Brian Griffin: Never mind.
- Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We're too different to ever be pals!
- Meg Griffin: I can't believe my stupid parents are gonna spend five days following stupid old KISS around. It's painful.
- Peter Griffin: Not half as painful as a tire iron up side your head.
- Meg Griffin: What?
- Peter Griffin: I'll miss you.