Kelsey Grammer credited as playing...
Dr. Frasier Crane
- Dr. Niles Crane: I heard you on the radio today, I thought what you did was noble.
- [pause]
- Dr. Niles Crane: To what South American nation will you be fleeing?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, like I'd tell you. One minute of interrogation and you would crack like a Jordan almond!
- Dr. Niles Crane: [on Maris] She drove up on the sidewalk, and when the police ran her name through the computer, they found quite a little backlog of unpaid parking tickets.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: What else would you expect from a woman who thinks her chocolate allergy entitles her to park in a handicapped space?
- [Frasier fears he has offended a mobster]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, I'll have a non-fat, decaf latte, please. Oh, what the hell? Look, make it a full-fat mocha with extra whipped cream. What the hell, put a slice of bacon on it!
- [Frasier snatches Jerome's card from Niles]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Are you mad? I will not have you turning a minor, albeit annoying situation into a... a Martin Scorsese film!
- Brandi: Money ain't everything, especially when you got a sex life like ours.
- Roz Doyle: He's not even good in bed?
- Brandi: Who knows? We're never there long enough to find out.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh for... you know this really isn't necessary...
- Brandi: I said to him last night, "What the hell was that? I've been vaccinated slower!"
- Jerome Belasco: [reading a list of Maris's arrest charges] Ignoring a summons, speeding, reckless endangerment. Your wife sounds like a very carefree lady.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh yes, she's ounces of fun.
- Daphne Moon: What a horrible thing to happen. Can you imagine poor Mrs. Crane confined to a jail cell?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Only if they moved the bars closer together.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: So she has agreed to marry you?
- Jerome Belasco: If I get her a job... not just any job, a job that she can never lose. A job where if she burns the place down, they will apologize to her for having made it so flammable.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Thank you. I just know this man is the answer to my problems.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, who better to mend the fragile fabric of a troubled marriage than a man whose business address is a wharf!
- Dr. Niles Crane: [enters] Frasier, I feel as if I'm being sucked into a vortex of rage and despair!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, right back atcha!
- Jerome Belasco: Now if you'll excuse me, gentlemen, I've got another business engagement.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: At this hour of the night? My God, it's past midnight. What kind of business could it...
- [realises what he's saying]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: ...possibly be of mine where you're going?
- [laughs nervously]
- Roz Doyle: My friend Phil had some major traffic violations, and he was so freaked that he called this guy who, you know, fixes things.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Sounds just a tad shady, Roz. You mean he went to some hoodlum?
- Roz Doyle: Well, I wouldn't use the word "hoodlum" in front of him. Just think of him as a guy who makes wishes come true. Like a fairy godfather. Another word I wouldn't use in front of him.
- Martin Crane: Look, you know I'd do anything for you, but not this. All my years on the force I never even fixed a ticket, let alone an arrest warrant.
- Dr. Niles Crane: You couldn't pull one little string?
- Martin Crane: No, I hope everything works out for you, but I think the law should be the same for everyone.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Well, it's not. We'd all like to believe that justice is blind, but the sad truth is, wealthy white women just can't get a fair shake! The courts love to make examples of them.
- Daphne Moon: Oh, they do. Just think of Zsa Zsa Gabor, or Leona Helmsley.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastic] Oh yes, two perfectly lovely women victimized by an unjust system.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [after advising Brandy not to marry Jerome] This is Dr. Frasier Crane, saying goodbye, and see you, God willing, tomorrow.