Bea Arthur: Dorothy Zbornak

Bang the Drum, Stanley

Dorothy Zbornak

Rose: [on learning Sophia was not badly injured when hit by a baseball] I knew she'd be OK. Something similar happened to me back in St Olaf: I was injured during a spirited game of Gowhackanoggin'.
Dorothy Zbornak: Should I? Oh, what the hell. Rose, what is Gowhackanoggin'?
Rose: It's a lot like baseball, except instead of hitting a ball, you whack yourself on the head. After ten whacks, if you're still standing, you take first base. It's usually a very low-scoring game.

Dorothy Zbornak: [Blanche and Rose are just coming home] How did the auditions go?
Rose: Great. Oh, you should have tried out, Dorothy. Everybody was really stinky. You might have gotten a part this year.
Blanche Devereaux: Rose, don't be silly. Dorothy couldn't get a part. We're doing the award-winning musical "Cats". You have to be agile, graceful, and sensual.
Dorothy Zbornak: You're right, Blanche. I mean, how could I possibly compete with you? I mean, you've given some of your best performances in back alleys.
Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy Zbornak, I resent that remark. Have you been talkin' to Ed Tyler? That man has *such* a big mouth. Which reminds me. I oughta go give him a call.
Stanley Zbornak: [later, after Sophia is injured by a fly ball at the baseball game, Stan comes by to check on her] I just came from the hospital. They told me Sophia was discharged. Is she here?
Dorothy Zbornak: No, I haven't taken her out of the trunk of the car yet.
Stanley Zbornak: Oh, there you are, Sophia. Are you OK?
Sophia Petrillo: Hey, I just spent two days in the hospital, naked under a sheet, with strange men inspecting my body with cold, metal instruments.
Blanche Devereaux: Which reminds me, has Ed Tyler returned my call?

Dorothy Zbornak: [at the baseball park] Y'know, this must be my lucky day. I usually end up sitting next to a fat, sweaty man who insists on taking his shirt off.
Dorothy Zbornak: [as she finishes speaking, a hefty man sits down next to her and takes off his shirt] What kept you?

Stanley Zbornak: [after Sophia's injury, Stan cooks up an insurance scam] The doctor's coming.
Dorothy Zbornak: What doctor?
Stanley Zbornak: He's a friend of mine.
Dorothy Zbornak: We're going to the hospital.
Stanley Zbornak: Dorothy, this guy is good. He's probably the most learned, respected, important neurologist in the state of Florida.
Blanche Devereaux: How'd you ever meet a man like that?
Stanley Zbornak: We were judges at a wet T-shirt contest.
Dorothy Zbornak: I'm calling the hospital.
Stanley Zbornak: No, Dorothy, stop. Look, I - I really feel like this is all my fault. That's why I'm getting him. He's the best. And I'm gonna pay for it.
Rose: [astonished] You paying for something?
Stanley Zbornak: What are you saying, I'm cheap?
Dorothy Zbornak: Well, *of course* she's saying you're cheap. You're the only man I know who owns a time-share dog!
Stanley Zbornak: [Sophia, buying into the scam, tells everyone a vision told her to trust Stan] Y'see, babe, it's all part of the Big Guy's master plan. I am but a humble servant.
Dorothy Zbornak: Mr Belvedere is a humble servant, Stanley. You're a horse's ass.

Dorothy Zbornak: I know Ma is faking. She is not really paralyzed.
Rose: It's only natural for you to feel that way. At the Counseling Center, we learn that the first reaction to catastrophe is denial.
Dorothy Zbornak: Rose, I am not in denial.
Rose: Yes you are, you're just denying you're in denial.
Dorothy Zbornak: Rose, I am not denying that I am in denial.
Rose: If you're not denying you're in denial, then you're in denial.
Dorothy Zbornak: Look, fluff-head: Why should I deny being in denial, when I never said I was in denial. *You* are the one who said I was in denial, and don't you deny it.

Dorothy Zbornak: Hi, Ma. Whatcha doin'?
Sophia Petrillo: Just lookin' through the old photo album. Boy, you were a cute kid.
Dorothy Zbornak: Yeah, I was sorta cute. Oh, look, there I am at seven.
Sophia Petrillo: An angel.
Dorothy Zbornak: Here I am at eleven.
Sophia Petrillo: Adorable.
Dorothy Zbornak: Ahh, look, here I am at fifteen.
Sophia Petrillo: The beginning of the end.