Bea Arthur credited as playing...
Dorothy Zbornak
- Rose Nylund: You know, I had a nanny when I was a child. She was my best friend. I could tell her anything and I'd know she would keep it a secret. We used to spend the days running and playing in the meadow or playing hide and seek in the barn. My nanny treated me like I was her own kid.
- [she is overcome with emotion]
- Rose Nylund: Excuse me.
- [she leaves the room]
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Is there anyone here who doesn't think she was talking about a goat?
- [Sophia and Blanche indicate 'No' shaking their heads without a word]
- Rose Nylund: [to Blanche] Blanche, are you alright?
- Blanche Devereaux: I'm stunned, I'm just stunned.
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Honey, what's wrong?
- Blanche Devereaux: That call, it was Viola Watkins, she used to be my Mammy.
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Your what?
- Blanche Devereaux: My Mammy, the woman who took care of me when I was little.
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, I'm sorry, I don't think I ever heard anyone called Mammy before.
- Rose Nylund: What about Mrs. Eisenhower?
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Mammy Eisenhower... I think only the Nixon kids got to call her that.
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I'm still furious with Ma for hooking me up with that matchmaker.
- Rose Nylund: That reminds me of a story about St. Olaf's most famous matchmaker...
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, please Rose! Spare me the endless, inane details of how Heidi Flugendugelgurgenplotz successfully matched a bull with a duck!... And how their daughter was a bull-duck who ran a small tattoo parlor in Carmel.
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Do I look like I just fell off the back of the turnip truck?
- Rose Nylund: No. But you do look like the woman who used to drive it.
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Now listen, you withered old Sicilian monkey!
- Sophia Petrillo: I don't have to take this. Keep it up and I'll send you to Shady Pines!
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: That's where I take you.
- Sophia Petrillo: Ouch. Guess I backed into that one.
- Blanche Devereaux: [after learning her father, Big Daddy, had an affair with her Mammy] This changes everything I ever thought about Big Daddy. I always assumed that he and Mama had a wonderful sex life. I walked in on 'em once when I was a little girl. There was all this huffin' and puffin' and high-pitched sounds, and then suddenly Big Daddy shouted out, "GLORY!", and they both lit up cigarettes. I vowed, then and there, I would *never* do anything so repulsive.
- Rose Nylund: So what happened?
- Blanche Devereaux: Oh, Bobby Joe Porter explained to me that the cigarette part was optional.
- Sophia Petrillo: Remember that one time you walked in on me, Dorothy?
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Oh, yeah. I still remember what you said: "Mommy's sick, get help."
- Rose Nylund: I would have *died* if I had ever caught my parents having sex.
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What, you never walked in on them?
- Rose Nylund: Once, but they were only playing leapfrog.
- Sophia Petrillo: Hi pussycat!
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [furious] Say goodbye, old woman.
- Sophia Petrillo: Have a good time?
- Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Do I sound like I had a good time?
- Sophia Petrillo: How the hell should I know? You're always like this.