Hugh Laurie credited as playing...
Dr. Gregory House
- Dr. Gregory House: You know me, hostility makes me shrink up like a... I can't think of a non-sexual metaphor.
- Dr. Gregory House: How am I supposed to practice medicine with a lawyer sitting on my shoulder?
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Responsibly.
- Dr. Gregory House: You know I can't do that!
- Stacy Warner: We need to talk.
- Dr. Gregory House: Oh, God, are you pregnant? 'Cause I really wanna finish high school!
- Dr. Eric Foreman: This guy's been injecting himself how many times a day? All it'd take is one slip of the needle to cause an air embolus.
- Dr. Gregory House: So air is keeping him from breathing air. Let's go with that for the irony.
- Dr. James Wilson: [House enters the cafeteria and snatches a bag of potato chips from Wilson's tray] Is there a light somewhere that goes on when I have food?
- Dr. Gregory House: Green for food, orange for beverages, red for impure thoughts. That bulb burns out every two weeks.
- Dr. Gregory House: [House takes a forkful of food from Mark's plate] When you save someone's life, they owe you forever.
- Mark Warner: You're right, take Stacy. Oh, wait! She'd probably just leave you all over again!
- Dr. Gregory House: How's your recovery going? Gotten around to the *small* muscles yet?
- Mark Warner: It's not the size of the muscle, it's where you get to *put* it.
- Stacy Warner: My goodness, it's like watching Oscar Wilde and Noel Coward in the third grade.
- [Houses' patient has just collapsed]
- Dr. Gregory House: This is exactly why I created nurses. Clean up on aisle three!
- Dr. Gregory House: Go forth and scan his neck.
- Dr. Robert Chase: His neck?
- Dr. Gregory House: Or repeat everything I say in question form.
- Dr. James Wilson: You really, really need to get some...
- Dr. Gregory House: [cutting him off] Oh I get some "some" all the time. That's why I always need to borrow "some" money.
- Dr. Gregory House: [to Chase] I love when you do both sides of the conversation. It's like white noise, it's very peaceful.
- Jeff Forrester: Ow.
- Dr. Gregory House: You're healed. Rise and walk.
- Jeff Forrester: Are you insane?
- Dr. Gregory House: In the bible they just said, "Yes, Lord" and then start right in on the praising.