Phil Hendrie: Coach Sauers

Three Coaches and a Bobby

Coach Sauers

Coach Sauers: [to Hank] Hill you finally got a haircut.
Hank: [laughs] You noticed.
Coach Sauers: [to Boomhauer] Boomhauer how are your folks?
Boomhauer: Man, they're doing fine man, they're down in dang ol' Florida man,dang ol' lottery winner man, no problems man.
Coach Sauers: Sorry to hear that.
Coach Sauers: [to Dale] Gribble no one's killed you yet
[to Bill]
Coach Sauers: Dauterive my god man what happened?
Bill Dauterive: It's a long story, you remember...
Hank: [Interrupting him] Hey Coach we came by to see you because, well because you're the best coach Arlen has ever seen, how would you like to coach again for my son's football team?

Coach Sauers: I'm gonna chew you up, spit you out, take a big dump on top of that, and then I'm gonna get tough.

Coach Sauers: Okay, Louisa May, go play your ballerina ball. Just leave your penis in the bucket.

[an insane Coach Sauers is now chasing the football players on the field in his car]
Coach Sauers: You little pantywads think you're ready to play the Wolves again? The Wolves eat razor blades for breakfast! Run, you bunch of fuzzy-butted softies! Run, with your fancy sneakers with the bumps and valves and little lights in the back that can set off a seizure, but what do you care? I ran around the world in a pair of Jock Taylors, for the love of Pete!
[as the car gets stuck in the mud, Hank slams his hand down on the car]
Hank: What in God's name is going on here?
[Hank turns the ignition off in Sauers' car; Sauers gets out of the car, indignant]
Coach Sauers: Damn it! I never did like you, Hill! You were a know-it-all and a do-gooder and your teeny-tiny, weak little girly ankle bone snapped in the finals... and YOU LOST ME STATE!
Hank: [angry] *I* "lost" you State? I'm the one who *got* you to State! I wish I never dragged you out of that shoe store!
Football Kid: [laying on the ground; coughs] Are we done yet?
Coach Sauers: [sarcastic] Why, you precious little candy-ass!
[Sauers gets back in the car and restarts the ignition. The kids, still in the car's path, wince as the car spins its tires in the mud again. Hank, having grabbed the Gatorade cooler, beats Sauers in the head with it, knocking him out]
Football Kid: I think you hurt him.
[beat]
Football Kid: Hit him again to make sure.

Hank: Coach, we came by to see you because, well, you're the best coach Arlen's ever seen. How would you like to coach again for my son's football team?
Coach Sauers: [thinks it over] Coach again?
[rips whistle from around his neck and slams it down on the counter and says to his supervisor:]
Coach Sauers: I quit!
Hank: Uh, whoa, ha, it's not really a paying job.
Coach Sauers: [turns back to his supervisor, who is holding the whistle ready to hand back. Coach takes it] Thank you, sir.