Larry Linville credited as playing...
Maj. Frank Burns
- Frank Burns: How can you just sit there and let yourselves get bombed?
- Trapper: [holding up his martini] One good bombing deserves another.
- Frank Burns: [indicating first Korean soldier] You will be platoon leader.
- Korean Soldier: I thought you were the platoon leader.
- Frank Burns: I am, but for purposes of our table of organization, I will be commander.
- [to first Korean soldier]
- Frank Burns: You will be platoon leader.
- [to second Korean soldier]
- Frank Burns: You will be squad leader.
- [to third Korean soldier]
- Frank Burns: And you will be... the squad.
- Frank Burns: I want everybody to understand that this is war, and that war is a call to arms!
- [reaches for his sidearm, which has been switched with a stapler]
- Hawkeye: [raises arms in surrender] Here's our money, mister. Don't staple us.
- Henry Blake: [on the phone with General Clayton, while reading from a book that's upside down] While I've got you on the pipe, the suggestion's been made that we could use an oh-four W. W. nug. Yeah, that's right, sir. A nug so that we can, uh, uh - what's a nug sir? Well, a nug is,
- [Frank turns the book over]
- Henry Blake: uh, a gun, sir. A 40 M. M. gun.
- Trapper: Henry, you gotta be kidding!
- Hawkeye: We definitely do not need a nug.
- Frank Burns: Keep your snoots out of this!
- Trapper: We don't need a gun or a nug.
- Hawkeye: What are you trying to do, get us into the war?
- Trapper: [grabbing the phone] General, listen, you send a gun up here, and that's gonna draw fire. That won't do our wounded very much good.
- Henry Blake: [taking the phone back] Give me that!
- Hawkeye: [grabbing the phone] Get rid of the ammo dump, and we won't need a gun.
- Henry Blake: [taking the phone back] Do you mind?
- Frank Burns: [grabbing the phone] The previous suggestion is contraindicated, we need an antiaircraft gun desperately, general.
- Hawkeye: Frank, how would you like a spontaneous nose job?
- Frank Burns: I'm sure General Clayton would send us an anti-aircraft gun.
- Henry Blake: And I'm sure General Clayton is not in the rent a gun business.
- Frank Burns: Colonel, I insist you do something about these raids!
- Henry Blake: Aw, gimme a break Frank. Get off my back.
- Frank Burns: Well, history certainly repeats itself. Nobody listened to Billy Mitchell either.
- Henry Blake: Who's Billy Mitchell?
- Frank Burns: A General who advocated a strong air force. Gary Cooper played him.
- Henry Blake: Yeah? I thought he played Sgt. York.
- Frank Burns: He, he did but he also play Billy Mitchell, and Lou Gehrig, and he was for a strong air force.
- Henry Blake: Hey, that's pretty surprising for a 1st baseman.
- Frank Burns: [Hawkeye, Trapper and Radar are mocking him at the anti-aircraft gun site] That strikes me funny... not. I think it ill behooves us...
- Hawkeye: "Behooves"? What are we, in the cavalry now?