- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Boy, you guys are impossible!
- Hawkeye: Well fire us, Henry. Fire us.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Listen, big shot, I'm gonna do more than that. I'm gonna do *more* than that.
- [Leaves room, then comes back]
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: What am I doing? This is my office. You guys get out of here!
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [still with numb tongue and lips from a dentist appointment] It'sh absholutely inexshcusable! You two guysh should be sentenced to life in front of a firing shquad!
- Hawkeye: I almost forgot. It's time to listen to my favorite Armed Forces soap opera, "Just Plain MacArthur."
- [turns on tape recorder]
- Frank Burns: Soap operas now. You're deteriorating by the minute.
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [recording] I'll be devastated without you, you know that.
- Frank Burns: [recording] I'll write you every day... faithfully!
- Frank Burns: "I'll write every day... faithfully." Listen to that drivel, that manure! You know, anyone who could listen to that...
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: [recording] Frank, you're crushing my 'mums.
- Frank Burns: Was that... that's... that's...
- Hawkeye: That's right. Nurse Drivel and Dr. Manure!
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [Frank staggers into Henry's office. He's covered with dirt from head to toe] Frank, what happened to you?
- Frank Burns: Oh... I... fell down!
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Really! How many times?
- Trapper: It's a little chilly out there, how bout a drink?
- Hawkeye: If you need a reason to drink, you shouldn't.
- Trapper: A double or a triple?
- Hawkeye: How about the first quintuple martini in medical history? How about you Frank, one for the road?
- Frank Burns: I make it a point never to drink with strangers and as of right now, I don't know either one of you.
- Hawkeye: It's chilly in here too. Make Frank a Shirley Temple and put it on my tab.
- Frank Burns: You're nothing but common drunks.
- Hawkeye: That is a rumor started by people I've fallen over.
- Frank Burns: Laugh now, but when this war is over, I'll go back to my Country Club and my 30 foot yacht, and you two will be ship's doctors on a garbage scow somewhere.
- Hawkeye: The typical love/hate complex. Freud said it best when he said, "Never ask for light chocolates."
- Frank Burns: You're both a disgrace to the medical profession, let alone the United States Army.
- Trapper: He's beginning to soften.