Jamie Farr credited as playing...
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Klinger is sitting on a small platform on a pole] Don't just walk away, can't you see I'm crazy?
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Klinger, if I got rid of all the crazies in this camp, I'd be the loneliest man in Korea.
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: I'm not coming down, sir.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: In that case, I have just one piece of advice for you. When you're walking guard duty tonight, take very tiny steps.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: You've got just 46 hours and 19 minutes to go to break the MASH pole-sitting record.
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: 46 hours and 19 minutes? You mean you want me to stay up here, sir?
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: You can do it on one wing, Lindy.
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: But Colonel, it's cold as a witch's elbow.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: I'll give you your choice. You can stay up there, or come down here and swallow 24 goldfish.
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Did you say 24 goldfish, sir?
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: The first 18 are easy.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Now what are you doing sitting on top of that pole?
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: I'm pole-sitting, sir. It's Section 8 time.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Klinger, you're the tops.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Klinger is the nuts.
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: I'm not stubborn. I'm crazy. Give me a Section 8!
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: You're not even half crazy, Klinger.
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: So make it a Section 4. Send me as far as San Francisco. From there, I'll hitch.
- [Potter and Father Mulcahy start walking away]
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: I'll settle for a Section 2. Send me to Honolulu. From there, I'll swim.