Harry Morgan credited as playing...
Col. Sherman T. Potter
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Okay, I got something to tell you and I don't want to hear so much as a titter, a snicker or a guffaw from anyone.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: You hear that Charles?
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Subject of this meeting is... The Army.
- [Looks expectantly at Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester, who sit quiet]
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Quietly] So far, so good.
- [Regular voice]
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: I have been directed to address you on the possibility of making the Army your career.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester all burst out in laughter. Potter crosses his arms and waits for the laughter to stop] I'm sorry! If I held that in, my teeth would have exploded!
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Come on, you gotta be kidding!
- Major Charles Winchester: Gentlemen, please. It's impolite to laugh at seniles.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Sharply] What did he say?
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Loss of hearing is the first sign.
- [All three begin laughing again]
- Major Margaret Houlihan: Will you clowns keep quiet? Some of us are interested in what the Colonel has to say. Go on Colonel.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Why, thank you, Major.
- [Pierce begins making kissing noises]
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: You blow one more kiss, Pierce, and those lips 'll never walk again.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Please, I'd like to hear this too.
- [Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester all make kissing noises]
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Oh, blow it out your bugle! Colonel, please continue.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Gracias, Padre. Now I think you'll admit, the Army presents unique opportunities, that can't be had anywhere else.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: That's very true. What other job lets you die for a living?
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Certainly a once in a lifetime experience.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: The Army provides a chance to see the world.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Scenic tours of all the great battlefields.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Through gritted teeth] It provides a home.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Where even the buffalo wouldn't roam.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Okay, that does it! Lecture's over! Class dismissed!
- [Everyone heads for the door]
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Except you Pierce! Since you insist on behaving like a dunce, you can cap it off by staying after school!
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: The office of soldier? That's not the oath I took.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: That's because you were never president of the US of A!
- Sgt. Joe Vickers: [sees Potter working at Klinger's desk] Hey, old-timer, I'm looking for Colonel Potter.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Shows the eagle insignia on his collar] Could you speak up, sonny? My bird and I are a little hard of hearing.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Nobody but an idiot would ever re-enlist.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [stops, turns around and looks him right in the eye] I wonder if you can think of any exceptions to that rule.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Say howdy to Sergeant Vickers. He's our friendly neighborhood retention officer.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Too bad he didn't come to a friendly neighborhood.
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: No offense, we just don't like war-to-war salesmen.
- Sgt. Joe Vickers: Hey, you're a great bunch of kidders. Well, I like a good joke myself.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: In that case, may I present Major Winchester?
- Sgt. Joe Vickers: Major Winchester. You must be a career man.
- Major Charles Winchester: I...
- [gets up and leaves the table, laughing and unable to speak]