Ed O'Neill credited as playing...
Al Bundy
- Al: 'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, / no food was a-stirring, not even a mouse. / Stockings were hung 'round Dad's neck, like a tie, / along with a note that said, "presents, or die!" / Children were plotting all night in their beds, / while the wife's constant whining was splitting his head. / But Daddy had money this year in the bank, / then they closed early, now Dad's in the tank. /Then all of a sudden, Santa appeared, / a sneer on his face, booze in his beard. / "Santa", I said, as he laughed merrily, / "You do so much for others, do something for me!" / "Bundy", he said, "You only sell shoes! / Your son is a sneak-thief, your daughter's a flooze!" / "Ho, Ho!", Santa said, "Should I mention your wife? / Her hair's like an a-bomb, her nails like a knife!" / As he climbed up the chimney, that fat piece of dung, / he mooned me two times, he stuck out his tongue. / And I heard him exclaim, as he broke wind with glee: / "You're married with children, you'll never be free!"
- Al: I *hate* Christmas! The mall is full of nothing but women and children! All you hear is, "I want this!", "Get me this!", "I have to have this!" And then there's the children! And they're all by my store 'cause they stuck the mall Santa right outside, ringing his stupid bell. As if you need a bell to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit! "Ho, ho, ho!", all day long. So, nice as can be, I go outside, ask him to shut the hell up. He takes a swing at me! So I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes down. Beard comes off, all the kids start crying and *I'm* the bad guy!
- Al: [a knock on the bedroom door] Come in, Kelly.
- Kelly: Hi, Daddy. Um, I just wanted to tell you, I just got a call from the doctor and, um, I'm dying. Yup, I've got Bulgaria. The doctor says that it's terminus.
- Al: How much time d'ya have, Pumpkin?
- Kelly: Well, I've got 'til Christmas morning and the only known cure is a good present. You know, in the 250 to 275 price range.
- Peggy: [Peggy enters the bedroom, wearing a red nightgown with a huge green sash and bow] Oh, Al! Come unwrap your Christmas present!
- Al: Where is it?
- Peggy: It's *me*, you feeb!
- Al: Aw, Peg! How do you expect me to get excited when you just re-wrap the same old junk I didn't play with the year before?