David Faustino credited as playing...
- Bud: Who are you?
- Griff: Name's Griff. I work here.
- Bud: That's funny. Dad never told me he hired another guy.
- Griff: And who are you?
- Bud: Bud. Al Bundy's my father.
- Griff: That's funny. He never told me he had a son.
- Bud: Daughter?
- Griff: Nope.
- Bud: Wife?
- Griff: Not living.
- Bud: Four touchdowns in one game?
- Griff: Oh, hell, yeah!
- Amber: Psst! Psst!
- Bud: [reaches under his bed] Damn leaky rubber woman!
- [Amber walks out the front door and passes Al, who's coming in]
- Al: Cute girl. What happened? Wrong house?
- Bud: Dad, that was Mrs. Darcy's niece. That was Amber.
- Al: Marcy's niece? Must be from the unfeathered side of the family.
- Bud: I know what I did was wrong and I should be punished.
- Al: Yes, you should. But how?
- Kelly: I say we put him in a sack and drop him off the Sears Tower.
- Al: Where the hell am I going to get a sack?
- Bud: [after Amber slips upstairs and gives Bud a seductive look] Dad, whatever you do, just don't send me to my room. Especially for a whole week. That would kill me.
- Al: [after short pause] You go to your room! For one week!
- Bud: You're a cruel, but fair, man.
- [runs upstairs]
- Bud: I'm sorry about that, Dad. I just haven't slept much 'cause I'm studying for a scholarship. The test is tomorrow and if I ace it, I'll get to study at Oxford. You have heard of Oxford?
- Al: Heard of it? Hell, I've been selling them for years!
- Amber: [having neck massaged] Oh, your hands feel so strong. Especially the right one. Do you work out?
- Bud: Kind of.
- [first lines]
- Bud: [in dream, arrives home with stunning statuesque blonde] I'm so glad you're my physics lab partner, Breezy. I'm sure I could have gotten an easy A if I teamed up with the Korean kid, but, uh... I prefer a challenge.
- Breezy: Oh, Bud! I've watched you every day in quantum mechanics. I just love the way you glide your fingers sensuously over your Texas instrument. Take me!
- Al: Whoops! Cheerleader routine up!
- Bud: I'm trying to study, so can you try to keep it down?
- Al: Gotcha!
- [to TV screen:]
- Al: Cut to the left! Cut to the left! No! Go for the end zone!
- Bud: I thought you were watching cheerleaders.
- Al: I am! Damn cameraman's shooting their faces.
- Cherise: [another fantasy dream girl] Bud! I've come to make love to you. I want you to rub my tootsies and then show me something in a size 6.
- Bud: [slyly] I only carry a 9.
- Bud: [hands over cash to get some peace and quiet] Kelly, get yourself some concert tickets.
- Kelly: Thank you, Bud. If you weren't my brother, I...
- Bud: Yeah, I know. You'd be surrendering your body for ice cream and a pony ride. Go on!
- [shoos her off]
- Bud: [everybody's finally away] Finally. Some quiet. It's just you and me now, Buck, boy.
- Buck: [family dog] Uh-oh. I've seen porno films that start like this.
- Amber: [bare midriff and denim hot pants] Hi! I'm Marcy's niece, Amber.
- Bud: You're Amber?
- Amber: Yeah. I'm hiding from my aunt.
- [long hair cascading as she closes the front door behind her]
- Amber: Do you mind if I take off these sticky clothes and take a shower?
