Ted Knight credited as playing...
Ted Baxter
- Ted Baxter: [Ted's sitting next to Professor Karl Heller, who's about to do his first critique on the 6 O'Clock News] And now, the distinguished professor, Karl Heller. Karl; what are you going to criticise tonight?
- Karl Heller: When I accepted the job as 'cultural watchdog,' to this metropolis, my immediate question was; 'what sort of people live here?' At first glance, this town might appear to be an enclave of be-knighted yahoos...
- Ted Baxter: Well, I couldn't agree more...
- [Ted smiles, vacuously, then gets serious-looking]
- Ted Baxter: ... unless, of course that's bad.
- Karl Heller: I wondered; are their cultural pretensions as vacant as their smiles? Is this really the heart, of what Mencken called the 'booboisie'?
- Lou Grant: [Watching with Murray and Mary in the newsroom] He just called our entire audience 'boobs, and 'yahoos.'
- Mary Richards: May-maybe that was just a teaser. May, maybe he was kidding
- Karl Heller: It is said that a people get the culture they deserve. In the night's to come,we shall try to find out exactly why no first-rate art has ever been created in this vacant - but intellectually famished - arid - and sterile city.
- Ted Baxter: [Ted, who's been staring at Karl, unfolds his arms and turns to the camera, and clears his throat] This is, uh... Ted Baxter
- [nervously smiling]
- Ted Baxter: saying 'good night,' from Phoenix, Arizona.
- Ted Baxter: [Ted reporting a story] Miss LaRue later explained her costume to vice squad officers by explaining she was an unemployed lion-tamer.
- Ted Baxter: [the 6 O'Clock News has just ended, and Ted walks out of the studio - angrily, with Karl] 'Bumbling'? Do you think that's a nice thing to say about anybody? 'Bumbling'?
- [In his 'deep-voice']
- Ted Baxter: My mother watches this show!
- Ted Baxter: [Murray's just introduced Ted to the professor] Professor, I understand your aces in the 'brain-game.'
- Karl Heller: [Looks confused] Of who is this person doing a parody?
- [Sue Ann laughs]
- Ted Baxter: [Arms folded in 'seriousness'] We had a couple of egg-heads in my family. But, I'm the one that became rich and famous, funny, isn't it?
- Karl Heller: No, not really. One never goes broke underestimating the public's taste.
- Ted Baxter: [Acting like he understands - but doesn't, he smiles] A-ha, ha, ha
- [Ted still smiling, turns away, and looks serious, and skulks away]
- Ted Baxter: Tonight, our critic-at-large turns his attention to the TV scene. Karl.
- Murray Slaughter: [Mary and Murray in the newsroom, watching on Murray's TV] Well, I wonder who Jack-The-Ripper will attack tonight.
- Karl Heller: I think it is only fair that we apply the same critical standards to television that we do to anything else.
- Ted Baxter: Very sound thinking.
- Karl Heller: [Without looking at Ted] Thank you.I think our first task out to be to putter own house in order.
- Ted Baxter: Call them the way you see them, Karl. Let the' chiperinos' fall where they may.
- [Smiles]
- Karl Heller: What you're watching at this very moment is a classic example of what's wrong with television in this town.
- [Though Ted's smiling at Karl, he has no clue what Karl meant]
- Karl Heller: It is the pursuit of personality at the expense of competence.
- Ted Baxter: [All serious-faced] I'm not sure I understand.
- Karl Heller: [Not even looking at Ted] I'm sure you don't.
- [Ted nervously looks off-camera]
- Karl Heller: Let's face I; WJM is the biggest offender in that regard. From the dowdy frumpy of The Happy Homemaker Show, to the bumbling, foot-in-the-mouth delivery of a certain anchorman
- [Ted -utterly confused - slowly tuns his gaze off-camera to see if anyone knows what Karl's talking about]
- Karl Heller: And backing them up, right down the line
- [Murray shakes his head, as Mary looks on in disbelief]
- Karl Heller: are dull writing, inept staging, and high school production methods.
- [Murray looks mad, and Mary looks mad, as well]
- Karl Heller: Well, there you are; the emperor has no clothes
- [Ted looks too see if he's wearing clothes, then again, looks off-camera, confused]
- Karl Heller: Tomorrow, we shall look at some other stations in town, and see if they fair any better. Meanwhile this is Karl Heller saying; let the viewer beware.
- Mary Richards: [Murray turns the TV off] 'High school production methods?'
- Murray Slaughter: 'Dull writing.' Buy, he didn't miss anybody, did he?
- Lou Grant: [Lou's door opens, and he slams his door, and walks to Murray] Murray; be a good guy, and go buy me a gun.
- [Lou pulls out a wad of cash, and hands it to Murray]