Tony Shalhoub credited as playing...
Adrian Monk
- [about the fact that people always seem to get murdered wherever Monk goes]
- Natalie Teeger: You're the Prince of Darkness.
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: No, he's not the Prince of Darkness. I've seen him vacuuming the ceiling. You wouldn't see the Prince of Darkness doing that.
- Natalie Teeger: No, I can picture the Prince of Darkness vacuuming the ceiling, to trick us. He's very tricky.
- Adrian Monk: Stop calling me the Prince of Darkness! That's how rumors get started.
- Adrian Monk: She's been buying ice all day. That makes sixteen bags she's carried in so far.
- Natalie: Maybe she's having a party.
- Adrian Monk: No food, no beer, no chips. Just ice.
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Maybe she's having an Adrian Monk party.
- Adrian Monk: [after accidentally touching the ground] Nature! I've got Nature on my hand! Get it off!
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Monk, are you absolutely sure about this? And don't give me any of that 95 percent crap!
- Adrian Monk: Captain, I am 100 percent sure that she *probably* killed him.
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: What does that mean?
- Adrian Monk: [waits a moment] 95 percent.
- [at night, during a thunderstorm, when their van has gotten stuck on the road, and Stottlemeyer has just blown out a single candle on the smushed remains of his birthday cake]
- Adrian Monk: Did you make a wish?
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yes, I did.
- Adrian Monk: ...Did it involve me?
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yes, it did.
- [Monk, Natalie, and Stottlemeyer are wandering through the woods after their car broke down]
- Adrian Monk: We're lost, aren't we? Tell me, I can take it.
- Natalie Teeger: We're...
- [she glances at Stottlemeyer, who mouths, "NO!"]
- Natalie Teeger: ...not lost.
- Adrian Monk: Oh, my God! WE'RE LOST!
- Adrian Monk: I happen to believe all men are brothers. Every man's... bent antenna... diminishes me.
- Natalie Teeger: What are you talking about?
- Adrian Monk: I don't know.
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: [while waiting for Kathy Willowby to pick up the phone] It's ringing.
- Natalie Teeger: But Agent Grooms said "no calls."
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Agent Grooms can kiss...
- Kathy Willowby: [picks up the phone] Hello?
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, hello. Mrs. Willowby.
- Kathy Willowby: Yes?
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Uh, is Martin there? My name's Darrell Hendershot. I'm a friend of Martin's. We went to high school together. We're having a big high school reunion.
- Kathy Willowby: Oh, I'm so sorry! He is on the lake fishing.
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Oh, well, okay. I'll call back later!
- Kathy Willowby: You do that.
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Thank you very much.
- [hangs up]
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: She says he's fishing on the lake.
- Adrian Monk: She killed him.
- Natalie Teeger: You have got to be kidding me. Can't I take you *anywhere*?
- Adrian Monk: I really appreciate you comin' out here. All the way here. Especially on your birthday. You didn't have to do this.
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yes, I did. I don't trust these guys, particularly not Grooms.
- Adrian Monk: You could have asked Lieutenant Disher, or...
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: I thought about that, but he has a big date. The kid thinks he's in love.
- Adrian Monk: Really?
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yeah. He's the one who ought to be in protective custody.
- [they share a laugh]
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Hey, guess what tomorrow is?
- Adrian Monk: It's your birthday, of course.
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Happy birthday to me.
- [after a pause]
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: What the hell happened to me, Monk? I was supposed to be the Deputy Commissioner by now. I was the fair-haired boy, remember? Youngest detective in the history of the department. And now, I'm the guy that knows how to find you.
- Adrian Monk: Oh, look, Captain, there isn't...
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Forget about it.