Tony Shalhoub credited as playing...
Adrian Monk
- Ian Agnew: Thank you for seeing us.
- Ian Agnew: Oh, I don't mind. I don't get many visitors. So what can I do for you?
- Adrian Monk: Mr. Agnew, we were wondering about your accident.
- Ian Agnew: Please, sit down.
- [appears to have a rather sudden reaction, like he is thinking]
- Sharona Fleming: [concerned] Ian, I used to be a nurse. Is there anything I can do?
- Ian Agnew: No, thank you. Comes and goes. It's the pipe.
- [points to it]
- Ian Agnew: I have a piece of pipe in my head.
- [pauses]
- Ian Agnew: I don't get many visitors! Please sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit!...
- Adrian Monk: Sir, about your accident.
- Ian Agnew: Ah, the accident. I really don't remember much about it. We were building a cabana near the pool for the Babcocks. And I was working on the roof and there was a tile loose. And the next thing I knew, I woke up and I was a human smokestack.
- [laughs]
- Ian Agnew: I'll get it!
- [picks up the phone]
- Ian Agnew: Hello! Hello! Must be the wrong number.
- [to Monk and Sharona]
- Ian Agnew: How's that coffee?
- [then to the floor]
- Ian Agnew: BAD DOG!
- [then back to Monk and Sharona]
- Ian Agnew: I haven't worked since.
- Adrian Monk: Huh. How did you get the job?
- Ian Agnew: Mrs. Babcock hired me. Although by the time I had started, she wasn't there anymore. They split up, she ran off, I never got the full story. I dealt mostly with her husband, Stew. I'll get it.
- [He picks up the phone again, about to talk to an imaginary caller]
- Ian Agnew: You know, I just changed my phone number, and it doesn't seem to help. I don't get many visitors!
- Sharona Fleming: Did you go to the trial?
- Ian Agnew: I testified.
- Sharona Fleming: Did you spend any time with the jury?
- Ian Agnew: No, ma'am. I wish I had. I wanted to thank them, they were very generous. I don't get many visitors!
- [singing]
- Ian Agnew: "Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do!"
- [then to a spot on the floor]
- Ian Agnew: BAD DOG!
- [then back to Monk and Sharona]
- Ian Agnew: You know what I think I miss the most?
- [points to the pipe]
- Ian Agnew: Not having this pipe in my head. I have to take this.
- [picks up the phone again]
- Ian Agnew: Hello. Hello.
- Sharona Fleming: [to Monk] I believe you're not the craziest man in the world.
- Ian Agnew: [talking to the imaginary caller] How did you get this number?
- Adrian Monk: We'll let ourselves out.
- Ian Agnew: Tell me who this is RIGHT NOW!
- [Monk and Sharona walk out]
- Ian Agnew: Well I don't believe that for a minute!
- Adrian Monk: [about the 11 victims] What do they have in common?
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Absolutely nothing.
- Adrian Monk: Exactly. They have... nothing in common. Some are rich, some poor, different ages, races, occupations... Captain this is a very diverse group. They are... too diverse.
- Sharona Fleming: "Too diverse"?
- Adrian Monk: I'm talking statistics. You'd have to work hard, really hard, to find a group this different. Plus, look at this. The blue pins indicate where they lived, right?
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
- Adrian Monk: The murders took place all over the Bay Area, but the victims all lived in Marin County. What are the odds of *that*?
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Go on, go, go, go, go...
- Adrian Monk: A diverse group... all registered to vote... you know where you find a group like that?
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: Yes, yes! On a jury!
- Disher: Yeah, yeah, yeah, hang on, hang on...
- [checks his computer]
- Disher: He's right. They all served together on the same jury six years ago.
- Adrian Monk: A jury.
- Capt. Stottlemeyer: On a jury.
- [he kisses Monk on the cheek, then runs out to rally the task force]
- Sharona Fleming: Oh my god! Adrian, do you know what Kenny just did? He took care of all my parking tickets.
- Adrian Monk: He's like Superman.
- [Monk and Sharona arrive at the toll plaza]
- Adrian Monk: Handcuffed?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Handcuffed and tied to about 70 feet of rope.
- Sharona Fleming: Oh my god!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And then he was dragged, west 7/10ths of a mile. I just saw the body, or what's left of it. The M.E. says he's never seen anything like it. There's no end to it.
- Adrian Monk: What do you mean?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I mean this is #9. Nine bizarre murders in the past two weeks. Every time my beeper goes off, my heart skips a beat.
- Adrian Monk: Any connection?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, no connections at all. I mean, four have been men, five women. All different ages - Latino, white, black.
- Adrian Monk: And the M.Os?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: All different. There's been a couple of shootings - all different weapons, a hit-and-run, a drowning, an electrocution. It-It's like a full moon every night.
- Adrian Monk: And you're sure that the cases have absolutely nothing in common?
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well they have one thing in common, Monk: we can't solve them. I swear, there's something in the water here.
- Adrian Monk: [Monk is looking at lineup of murder suspects] Number 1, you have some lint on your jumpsuit.
- [Number 1 searches for the lint]
- Adrian Monk: Number 2, could you help number 1?