Jim Henson credited as playing...
Kermit the Frog • Mahna Mahna • Waldorf • Flower-Eating Monster • Rowlf
- Kermit the Frog: Muppy? Scooter? You're on next.
- Scooter: It's no use Kermit. Muppy says if you won't change the title of the show he's not going on. He's locked himself in his dressing room, and he's not coming out.
- Kermit the Frog: Yeah, but the Simon Smith number is next.
- Scooter: I know. I know.
- Kermit the Frog: What are we going to do?
- Fozzie Bear: Kermit. How come I'm not doing an act this week?
- Kermit the Frog: Congratulations Fozzie. You're doing an act this week.
- Fozzie Bear: Sometimes I can be very persuasive.
- Kermit the Frog: Hey listen, it's another great show folks. I mean tonight our guest star is one of the truly great dancers of the world: The one and only, Miss Juliet Prowse. And if that weren't enough we've also got Mahna Mahna. Whatever that means.
- Kermit the Frog: [Phone rings] Hello. Okay. Just a second.
- [to the Snowths]
- Kermit the Frog: It's for you.
- Mahna Mahna: [through the phone] Mahna Mahna!
- Rowlf: At this time, I would like to present my rendition of one of the great songs of our time. That ever-popular classic: "You And I And George". But why you ask as well you should have I never heard this great song of our times. Fact is nobody has ever heard of this ever popular classic. In its only recording, "You And I And George" sold three copies. I bought one and George bought one, where were you?
- Kermit the Frog: Hello there Miss Prowse. Hey listen, is everything OK? Any complaints?
- Juliet Prowse: No, none whatsoever. Except that I've never had to share my dressing room before with a man who eats a tire.
- Kermit the Frog: I told Gonzo to dress in the alley!
- Waldorf: Well, what did you think?
- Statler: Beats sitting around watching television.
- Mahna Mahna: Mahna Mahna!
- Flower Eating Monster: Mind if I smoke?
- Female Dancer: If you insist.
- Flower Eating Monster: Thanks.
- [smoke comes bellowing out of the monsters nose filling the ballroom and causing the other dancers to cough]
- Flower Eating Monster: Smokes not bothering you is it?
- Mildred: Manager!
- Kermit the Frog: Stand by for the Western Sketch.
- Fozzie Bear: Hey Kermit.
- [doing a bad John Wayne impression]
- Fozzie Bear: Does this sound like John Wayne?
- Kermit the Frog: Will you get on stage Fozzie?
- [Kermit sips from a glass of milk, the level of which drops steadily]
- Kermit: Uh, think about this, friends.
- Scooter: Hey boss, Muppy and I wanted to talk to you about the act we're doing on the show tonight.
- Kermit the Frog: Scooter, you're not doing an act on the show tonight.
- Scooter: Gee, my uncle who owns the theatre thought of this act.
- Kermit the Frog: Tell us about the act you're doing on the show tonight.
- Scooter: Oh, it's called "Simon Smith and His Amazing Dancing Dog". Yeah, I sing this song see, and Muppy here does this cute, adorable, sweet, sugary little dance.
- Kermit the Frog: Well, it sounds says the frog displaying his artistic judgment: sappy.
- Scooter: Gee, my uncle thought it was...
- Kermit the Frog: It sounds says the frog displaying his will to survive: wonderful.
- Scooter: Yeah, it's great. You'll love it.
- Kermit the Frog: Certainly. I've often thought of Muppy here as about the cutest little fellow around.
- [Muppy attacks Kermit and bites him]
- Scooter: He thinks as himself as a killer.
- Kermit the Frog: Let me out of here!
- Kermit the Frog: What a dumb dog! Oops, I'm on stage. Well, now that I'm here let me take this opportunity to present The Muppet Show's resident artist person: Gonzo the Great.
- Kermit the Frog: [the audience boos Gonzo off the stage] Looks like it's another wipeout for Gonzo.
- The Great Gonzo: Yokels! What do they know about art?
- Rowlf: You And I And George went strolling down the park one day/And then you held my hand as if to say I Love You/Then we passed a brook and George fell in and drowned himself/And floated out to sea leaving you alone with me.
- Kermit the Frog: You know that number you did was just beautiful Juliet.
- Juliet Prowse: Well, thank you Kermit. You know I'm really happy to be here with you and all the Muppets. You know something? I've never talked to a frog before.
- Kermit the Frog: Well, we're just like anyone else. A little more jumpy maybe. But you know, we have out hopes and our dreams.
- Juliet Prowse: Oh yeah, we'll what are some of your dreams?
- Kermit the Frog: You may just think I'm gilding the lily pad here. But as a tadpole I always wanted to be a dancer. But you know what they say, the first thing to go on a frog are his legs.
- Juliet Prowse: That's funny. I never knew that frogs had a sense of humor.
- Kermit the Frog: We have to. You meet a frog without a sense of humor and you're looking at a green lump.