Jim Henson credited as playing...
Kermit the Frog • Waldorf • Link Hogthrob • Rowlf • Brown Bear
- Kermit the Frog: Piggy, have you been planting items about us in the gossip papers again?
- Miss Piggy: Um... well... uh... uh... what would make you think a thing like that?
- Kermit the Frog: The photographer who was just here, he was from Tongue Magazine.
- Miss Piggy: Oh. Uh-huh... Well, it was just a little teeny-tiny item.
- Kermit the Frog: [getting angry] It was a cover story about us being secretly married!
- Miss Piggy: Just a little slight exaggeration.
- Kermit the Frog: [shouting] That's a bald-faced lie, Piggy! I will not stand around while you do dumb things like that, Piggy! You have done that to me too many times, Piggy! I will not stand for it! I Will not stand for it!
- Miss Piggy: Well, what are you going to do?
- Kermit the Frog: [still shouting] I'll tell you what I'm going to do, Piggy: I'm going to fire you! Piggy, you are fired! You are fired, Piggy! You are fired! fired!
- [breathes heavily]
- [after Kermit fired Miss Piggy]
- Loretta Swit: Kermit, you can't just pick her up and throw her out in the snow.
- Kermit the Frog: Not without a forklift, I can't!
- Loretta Swit: Oh, now, Kermit, you know how important Miss Piggy is to this show.
- Kermit the Frog: Well...
- Loretta Swit: And, Miss Piggy, you know you wouldn't be happy anywhere else.
- Miss Piggy: Hmmm...
- Loretta Swit: Aw, so come on now, let's sing a nice, warm, lovely together song.
- Kermit the Frog: I hate sappy songs like that!
- Loretta Swit: Alright then, why don't you two just kiss and make up?
- Kermit the Frog: Well, let's sing the sappy song!
- Miss Piggy: You don't make it easy, Frog!
- Miss Piggy: [Kermit just shouted at Piggy that he is firing her] You're not kidding?
- Kermit the Frog: [shouting] I am not kidding!
- Miss Piggy: But... But I'm in the next number!
- Kermit the Frog: I will cancel...
- [calling out]
- Kermit the Frog: Cancel the next number! Put on the Snorers' Chorus instead. Snorers? Snorers' Chorus, get the Snorers' Chorus on stage!
- [the crew bring the Snorers' Chorus out on the stage]
- Miss Piggy: Hold it! Wait a minute, wait a minute, it's my number! You can't fire me, I'm the star!
- Kermit the Frog: You can be replaced, Piggy.
- Miss Piggy: Oh, oh, I see! Just try!
- Kermit the Frog: I will, I will! I will replace you!
- Loretta Swit: Who's going to replace someone with Talent, Section, and Verb?
- Kermit the Frog: [Calmly] Well, in Vet's Hospital, I wonder if you can be in it?
- Loretta Swit: [gasps] I'd love to!
- Kermit the Frog: Oh, good!
- Loretta Swit: Will they fit?
- Kermit the Frog: Oh, Yes! Anybody can do that!
- Tongue Magazine Photographer: Miss Piggy, do you work here?
- Miss Piggy: Hai-Yay!
- [Kicks the photographer]
- Loretta Swit: You know, I hope nobody out there believes that I was really trying to take over for Miss Piggy.
- Kermit the Frog: Oh, no, no, no.
- Loretta Swit: Because you know, when a great actress and a great star has developed a role, it's impossible for another actress to fill her shoes.
- Miss Piggy: [Comes out dressed as "Hot Lips" Houlihan] Ha ha ha ha!
- [looks down]
- Miss Piggy: Funny, the shoes don't fit.