Robert Lindsay credited as playing...
Ben Harper
- [first lines]
- Ben: OK, just relax and sit back, and let's take a little look, shall we? Now, open wide.
- Mr. Henshaw: Huh huh hmmph.
- [clenching jaw]
- Ben: Mr Henshaw, I... I can't check your teeth until I can see them.
- Mr. Henshaw: Well, I'm scared. I don't like pain.
- Ben: Mr Henshaw, I've been a dentist for over twenty years and the only person who has suffered as a result is me.
- Mr. Henshaw: That another joke?
- Ben: Sadly, no.
- Ben: Ah! Miss... er, could you...
- Dental Assistant: I've already done it.
- Ben: Done what? I haven't asked yet.
- Dental Assistant: Well, you're about to do a root canal, so you obviously need extra lignocaine for the pain.
- Mr. Henshaw: What?
- Ben: Alright, Mr Henshaw. Next patient.
- Dental Assistant: No, there is no next patient.
- Andy Banks: Well, we can catch up at dinner tonight?
- Ben: I thought we had just caught up.
- Andy Banks: So is tonight not good?
- Ben: No, sorry. Er... I have a dental conference.
- Dental Assistant: No, that's next month.
- Ben: No, the other thing.
- Dental Assistant: That was cancelled.
- Ben: The more important thing.
- Dental Assistant: You weren't invited.
- Ben: You'll never guess what happened to me today.
- Susan Harper: Your old friend Andy called round, his wife's going in for surgery and we're having dinner with them tonight at La Garage.
- Ben: Ah. I see my new über-assistant has been phoning in. God! She's so efficient, she's killing me!
- Susan Harper: Well, I think she's quite marvellous.
- Ben: I think she's quite fired.
- Ben: Susan, I... I'd rather eat borscht than go out with Andy Banks.
- Susan Harper: I thought he was your friend. He's on our Christmas card list.
- Ben: So's the paper boy, but I've never eaten with him.
- Susan Harper: It's not often I get to meet one of your friends.
- Janey Harper: That's because he hasn't got any.
- Ben: I have lots of friends, actually. Just none I like.
- Janey Harper: So, this, er, so-called friend. How did you meet - the No-Friends Club?
- Ben: The No-Friends Club? Ooh! No, at school, actually. I stopped a group of kids from beating him up.
- Susan Harper: My hero.
- Ben: Actually, I rushed in to beat him myself, but I missed. Hit someone else by mistake, the gang dispersed, he thanked me so much I just went along with it, really.
- Susan Harper: Well, we're not backing out of this. His wife's ill and he needs your support.
- Ben: Susan, I don't see why I have to be miserable too.
- Susan Harper: Because being miserable together is what friendship is all about.
- Ben: Funny - I thought that's what marriage was.
- Susan Harper: I think learning a new language helps to improve oneself.
- Ambyr Banks: Oh, I'm a big believer in self-improvement. Take my breasts, for instance.
- Ben: Where? W-what?
- Ambyr Banks: Implants. I got them last year.
- Andy Banks: [about Ambyr's breast implants] I mean, take those babies - 100% grade-A silicone! What do you think?
- Ben: I think they're... for... do they come separately or as a set?
- Ambyr Banks: A set. They were an anniversary present!
- Susan Harper: How romantic. All I got was a sandwich maker.
- Susan Harper: Oh, just admit it! You'd rather be married to a 23-year-old with the perfect body!
- Ben: Oh, don't be ridiculous! I don't want a perfect body, I want you.
- Susan Harper: [Gives Ben a stern look]
- Ben: That sounded much better in my head before it came out of my mouth!
- Susan Harper: What a miserable pair.
- Ben: Oh, come on! Your breasts are fine!
- Susan Harper: I was talking about Andy and Ambyr. But thanks for your vote of ambivalence!
- Ben: [about Andy] You know, at school, he was the pathetic loser. There was me: good looking; bright.
- Susan Harper: Well, you've both changed.
- Ben: Well, what about me? I've worked hard, played by the rules and what have I got?
- Susan Harper: A nice home, three lively children...
- Ben: Oh, go on! Rub it in!
- Susan Harper: You may be interested to know that Nick has decided to sell his body parts.
- Ben: Good! We'll get him out of the house bit by bit!
- Susan Harper: Do you think Andy's happy?
- Ben: If he were any happier, he'd be in an asylum.
- Susan Harper: So why does he keep sending Ambyr in for repairs? By the time she's my age, she'll have so many facelifts she'll have a beard!
- Susan Harper: [after spotting Ben checking out Ambyr] See anything you like... on the menu?
- Ben: Er... I was just admiring... looking at the, erm... oak-roasted sea bass.
- Susan Harper: Yes, I know which dish you were checking out!
- Andy Banks: You know, I always wanted to be a dentist. I ended up a multimillionaire!
- Ben: Tough break.
- Andy Banks: No, I mean, you're out there doing something! Me, I just sit around the pool all day watching my money make money!
- Susan Harper: Ooh, look, Ben - hard cheese!