My Family (TV Series)

Droit de Seigneur Ben (2000)

Kris Marshall: Nick Harper

Quotes 

• Ben : [Holds up vinyl of Don Giovanni]  Your mother wants me to waste three hours of my life by listening... to that!

  Nick : So, why don't you? Can't be any worse than doing that.

  [Pointing to Ben's bills and laptop] 

  Nick : You see, the way I see it, dad, is we're all going to screw up whatever we do. So, why don't we screw up on the side of "Hey, why the hell not?"

  Ben : You know what really frightens me is you're almost making sense!

• Ben : So, that's what you are now, is it? An artist?

  Nick : Yeah. Do you think there's an afterlife, Dad?

  Ben : God, I hope not.

  Nick : Because I had this dream last night that Leonardo da Vinci himself popped in and said "Nick, mate, I have two words for you: nude models."

  Ben : [Sarcastically]  *The* Leonardo? That is amazing! And those were his very words? "Nick, mate: nude models"?

  Nick : Actually, it was "Cara Nico, due perole: modelle nude!"

• Nick : [Ben goes to hang his coat up]  Don't. I was drawing that. I call it 'Lonely Coatstand'.

  Ben : [Hangs coat up anyway]  Ah. Now it's 'Useful Coatstand'. Get the hint?

  Nick : Philistine!

  Ben : Cretin!

  Nick : Dentist!

  Ben : Layabout!

• Susan Harper : I remember all the feelings I had when I was first going out. The thrill of the chase. What they kissed like. How I felt when I touched them...

  Janey : Mum!

  Nick : Oh, God!

  Michael Harper : I'm going to be in therapy for the rest of my life!

  Susan Harper : It's just sex, boys!

• Janey : Dad has no judgement! I mean, he wears socks with his sandals and he has hair in his ears that he never trims!

  Nick : Actually, it's very impressive that a human can carry such lush vegetation in their ears!

• [Nick jumps on the sofa with a copy of Hello!] 

  Janey : Isn't there another room you can go to?

  Nick : I'm not bothering you!

  Janey : You're in my line of sight!

  Nick : Don't take it out on me just because dad has to find you dates!

  Janey : I don't need anyone to find me a date! Especially with some pseudo-posh git who I'm supposed to drool over just because his dad's Lord Whitebum or something!

  Nick : [Reading Hello!]  You mean, Lord Whitten? Enjoying a joke with his lovely wife Serena and their family at Crufts.

  Janey : What have you got there?

  Nick : There's a picture of all of them in Hello!

  Janey : Yeah, right!

  [Snatches the magazine off Nick to see the family picture] 

  Nick : Oi!

  Janey : Oh my God! That's his son? He's absolutely gorgeous!

• Nick : It's great being an artist. I mean, you can work from home, you get to express your feelings and you get to sit around all day waiting for inspiration.

  Ben : But you don't make any money.

  Ben : Well, I'm a starving artist!

• Ben : Whatever you're doing, stop it.

  Nick : Now, don't move. I'm nearly finished. I'm drawing you. I call it 'Atlas With World On His Shoulder'.

  Ben : [Smiling]  Really?

  Nick : Actually, it's 'Nude With Chip On His Shoulder'.

• Ben : [Looking at Nick's drawing of him]  What's this?

  Nick : Well, I couldn't afford a proper nude, so I had to use my imagination!

  Ben : Don't! I look like Homer Simpson!

  Nick : I paint what I see!

  Ben : The next thing you paint will be my hands approaching your throat!

• Ben : I haven't got a chip on my shoulder! I'm trying to keep this family afloat amidst a sea of bureaucratic piranhas!

  Nick : We're all behind you, old man!

  Ben : No, you're not. You're trying to drive me mad - you with your painting, your mother with her opera...

  Nick : Hey, it's like we're a renaissance family!

  Ben : Yeah - the Borgias!

• Nick : [Holds a carton of milk]  Has this gone off? It's two days beyond the sell-by date.

  Susan : I don't know, dear. Smell it.

  Nick : But what if it smells bad? Then I'd get a bad smell in my nose.

  Susan : Life is such a veil of tears. Don't put it back! Do you think the rest of us want it if it's off?

  Nick : Well, should I throw it out?

  Susan : Not if it's still OK.

  Nick : You give such mixed signals, mother!