Windsor Davies: Oliver Smallbridge

Families at War

Oliver Smallbridge

Oliver Smallbridge: [shutting the French windows to keep out the bonfire smoke] I'll wait till the Test Match and run my old motor mower. Completely ruins his television picture!
Lyn Smallbridge: Mmmm. The subtle approach!

[Oliver has recieved a letter from Simon's solicitor]
Lyn Smallbridge: Is it about that tree you chopped down?
Oliver Smallbridge: A lot of fuss about nothing. He never used that greenhouse anyway!

Oliver Smallbridge: I'm not rushing you girl. It's just I want you to have what your dear mum had, God rest her. A strong, reliable, sensitive man to look after her.
Lyn Smallbridge: Oh, You never told me about him!
Oliver Smallbridge: I *was* refering to myself!

Oliver Smallbridge: [on his future grandchild] I can see him out there in the garden, happy, childish laughter. Shouting. Screaming. Kicking balls over his fence. Well, drive that Peel fellow raving mad, you know.

[while visiting an auction room, Oliver has picked up a blunderbus when Simon arrives]
Simon Peel: [examining the blunderbuss] Uhm. Lot 27. Not really suitable for your shop, you know. That's genuine!
Oliver Smallbridge: Well, well, Peel. Fancy meeting you here, and me with an unloaded gun!
[Oliver puts the blunderbus down]
Simon Peel: I didn't expect to see you here. There's no sign of your horse and cart outside!

Oliver Smallbridge: [pointing to the sale list] I'll tell you what. There's something that'll interest you, boy. Stuffed Moose, Stuffed Boar, go nicely with your shirt!

Simon Peel: [walking towards an open chest and picking up an African Tribal mask] This would suit you perfectly. Every home should have one - a family portrait!
[Simon hands the mask to Oliver and walks away, just as the auctioneer appears]
Auctioneer: [Iidicating the mask] I'll let you have that cheap, governor, fiver, on account it's *supposed* to have a curse on it.
Oliver Smallbridge: Curse? Can you deliver it?
Auctioneer: Certainly.
Oliver Smallbridge: [handing the mask to the Auctioneer] Done - to Simon Peel!

Auctioneer: Lot 12, A Chinese vase.
Simon Peel: [looks around] 30 pounds.
Oliver Smallbridge: 40.
Simon Peel: 50.
Oliver Smallbridge: 60.
Simon Peel: You're wasting your time, you know. Its a fake.
[Simon turns towards the Auctioneer]
Simon Peel: 70.
Oliver Smallbridge: 80.
Simon Peel: 90.
Oliver Smallbridge: 100.
Auctioneer: 100.
Simon Peel: You're just trying to be difficult. 150.
Oliver Smallbridge: 200 pounds.
Auctioneer: 200 pounds I'm bid now. Any advance on 200? Going for 200.
[bangs gavel]
Auctioneer: Gone. Sold, Smallbridge. Give it to him.
Oliver Smallbridge: [taking the vase in his hands] Don't feel too badly about it, Peel. You can't win em all.
Simon Peel: No, but you can win some of them.
[Simon points to the vase]
Simon Peel: You know, considering that it *is* a fake, I didn't think I'd get such a good price for it.

Lyn Smallbridge: Daddy, are you in a good mood?
Oliver Smallbridge: Never better. Somebody unloaded a skip outside Peel's shop. Blocked his car in - He had to come home by bus. Cost me a tenner, but well worth it.

Oliver Smallbridge: You're too young to have boyfriends!
Lyn Smallbridge: Well, how am I supposed to provide all these grandchildren, from a mail order catalogue?

[Simon has answered his phone, to find Oliver on the other end]
Oliver Smallbridge: Tell that boy of yours to stop it at once.
Simon Peel: [looks towards David] Eating peanuts?
Oliver Smallbridge: Mucking around with my girl.
Simon Peel: Now, look here, Smallbridge
[David moves away from the sofa and out of shot]
Simon Peel: I hardly think you're in a pos... now, just a minute. Your daughter and my...
[looks up, to find David has left the room]
Simon Peel: David.
Oliver Smallbridge: They want to get married.
Simon Peel: Married?
Oliver Smallbridge: If we don't put a stop to it, we'll be related.
Simon Peel: Oh my god, they'll have children, they'll look like you!
Oliver Smallbridge: [Glaris at the phone, before putting the reciver back against his ear] There's nothing else for it, we'll have to meet.
Simon Peel: Yes, I suppose, well, you'd better come round here.
Oliver Smallbridge: Not likely. You'll set that cat on me. You come round here under a flag of truce.
Simon Peel: That's what you said last time. You ambushed me with a lawn sprinkler.

Simon Peel: We'd better try to be civilised about this. It's an emergency, and there's no point in trying to score childish points off each other.
[lays a sheet of newspaper on a nearby chair]
Simon Peel: Do sit down.
Oliver Smallbridge: [sits on the newspaper, and looks around] Not a bad bit of furniture. If you're thinking of selling, I'd give you a balloon for it.
Simon Peel: I didn't know you were interested in antiques.
[moves to the drinks cabinet]
Simon Peel: We must try to keep this as painless as possible. Scotch?
Oliver Smallbridge: Well, I won't say no - providing you taste it first.

Oliver Smallbridge: We've got to tackle this problem with a bit of subtlety - why don't you move to Australia?
Simon Peel: I wouldn't get a good price for the house, not when people saw the neighbours.

Simon Peel: You could try dropping a few hints to your daughter - it's a fun life as a modern day nun.
Oliver Smallbridge: What about your son?
Simon Peel: He's too tall to be a nun.

Simon Peel: I notice you don't mind being called a crook.
Oliver Smallbridge: Well, I've never denied being an antique dealer. The only difference between me and you is you cock your little finger every time you pick their pockets.
Simon Peel: I run an honest business.
Oliver Smallbridge: What? You'll be telling me you pay V.A.T. next.
Simon Peel: I said honest, not simple minded!

Oliver Smallbridge: What about Lyn? The apple of my eye, the girl I refuse nothing to?
Lyn Smallbridge: [opening the door] Can I come in?
Oliver Smallbridge: No.
Simon Peel: This is my house. I decide who can come in.
Lyn Smallbridge: [entering the room] So can I?
Simon Peel: No.

[David enters the room, after Lyn tells him that Simon and Oliver have given their consent for the wedding]
David Peel: But, but, but, but, but...?
Oliver Smallbridge: But, but, but, but, but... Seems I'm not losing a daughter, I'm gaining an outbard motor!

David Peel: [while Simon and Oliver are preparing drinks] How did you get them to agree?
Lyn Smallbridge: Well, I told them that we love each other, and that they were being unreasonable, and, I also told them a little white lie...
Oliver Smallbridge: [handing drinks to David and Lyn] Here's to my grandchild.
Simon Peel: Here's to *my* grandchild, and the happy mother and father to be.
[David looks at Lyn, and drops his glass]