Mackenzie Crook: Gareth Keenan

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Gareth Keenan

[Tim as a joke has put Gareth's stapler in a jelly]
Gareth: Tim's put my stapler inside a jelly again. That's the third time he's done it. It wasn't even funny the first time.
David Brent: Why has he done that?
Gareth: I told him once that I don't like jelly. I don't trust the way it moves.
David Brent: Yeah. You showed him a weakness - he pounced. You should know about that... What is in there?
Gareth: It's my stapler.
[Gareth plunges his hand in to fish out the stapler]
David Brent: Well, don't do that... eat it out. There's people starving in the world, which I hate... and it's a waste so... How do you know it's yours?
Gareth: It's got my name on it in Tipp-Ex.
David Brent: Okay, don't eat it now then... chemicals.

[Tim snatches Gareth's stapler and holds it out the window]
Tim: You stay where you are okay? I'm gonna let go, right, unless you stop acting like a fool.
Gareth: Well, you won't, so...
Tim: Well, I have, so...
[Time drops the Stapler out the window]
Gareth: What if that kills someone?
Tim: Kills somebody? Umm, well, they'll think you're the murderer. It's got your name on it.
Gareth: Why would a murderer put his name on the murder weapon?
Tim: To stop people borrowing it?
Gareth: David.
Tim: I hate the fact that you bring me down to this; really I do, I resent it.

Gareth: I'm not worried for me, I'll be all right, but if there does have to be a cull, then so be it. I mean, that's just natural selection, in the wild some people wouldn't survive. Imagine a warehouse, where a little midget fellow is driving a forklift. He can't see over the top, he's got great big platform shoes on so he can reach the pedals, cos of his little legs. I mean, don't get me wrong, Anton's a lovely bloke, but should he be working here?

[Tim builds a wall of boxes between his and Gareth's desk]
Tim: I don't like acting like a kid, do you know what I mean? But he's a bit...
Gareth: What are you doing?
Tim: I don't actually want to have to look at you, Gareth.
Gareth: You can't do that.
Tim: Why not?
Gareth: Health and Safety.
Tim: Health and Safety. Erm, why? Crushed by Cardboard, or what?
Gareth: No, number one: blocking out light. Number two: misuse of company files.
Tim: Misuse of files? Yeah, see this is why the whole redundancy thing doesn't bother me. If I have to work with him another day, right, I'm just going to, I will... I will slit my throat.
[Mimes a throat slitting action]
Gareth: Yeah, you won't do it like that, though. You'd get the knife in behind the windpipe, then pull it down like that.

Gareth: Just the eight pints for me last night, then. Oh, no! "Team leader and boss in drunken night out." Shock! horror! Going out with Oggy tomorrow night, then. That'll be be a quiet night in at the library... not!