- Jim Halpert: [last lines - to the camera] It's not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiancé.
- Dwight Schrute: [playing Agent Michael Scarn in a screenplay written by Michael] "Sam, get my luggage."
- Ryan Howard: [playing Agent Michael Scarn's assistant, Samuel L. Chang, with Asian accent] "I forget it, brother."
- Dwight Schrute: "Samuel, you are such an idiot. You are the worst assistant ever and you're disgusting. Dwigt." Wait, who's Dwigt?
- Pam Beesley: [in confessional] Here's what we think happened: Michael's sidekick, who all through the movie is this complete idiot who's causing the downfall of the United States, was originally named Dwight, but then Michael changed it to Samuel L. Chang using a search and replace. But that doesn't work on misspelled words, leaving behind one "Dwigt." And Dwight figured it out. Oops!
- Dwight Schrute: D-W-I-G-H-T.
- Christian: [Speaking of Jan's divorce] You were really brave. I mean, you put your arms out there, you slit your wrists. You said, "World, this is my blood, it's red, just like yours. So love me."
- Dwight Schrute: Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of "Oklahoma!" in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutie the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good.
- Oscar Martinez: She had done a background check on me; she had it printed out.
- Jim Halpert: No!
- Oscar Martinez: Yeah. And she was asking me about stuff, line by line, while we were having dinner.
- Toby Flenderson: That is unbelievable.
- Pam Beesley: What is going on?
- Jim Halpert: We are doing worst first dates.
- Pam Beesley: Oh my God, I win! Ok, it was a minor league hockey game. He brought his brother, and when I went to the bathroom, the game ended and they forgot about me.
- Oscar Martinez: Okay, that's a joke.
- Pam Beesley: No, they had to come back for me.
- Jim Halpert: Wait, when was this?
- Pam Beesley: Umm... it was not that long ago.
- Kelly Kapoor: Wait, not Roy. Say it's not your fiance.
- [laughs]
- Michael Scott: First guy says, "Well, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn." And the second guy says, "Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort." And the third guy says, "I got you both beat. I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe."
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