David Mitchell: Mark Corrigan

Dream Job

Mark Corrigan

Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] I've made a psycho call to the woman I love, I've kicked a dog to death, and now I'm going to pepper spray an acquaintance. Something... I mean, what's happened to me?

Psychiatrist: Often I like to kick things off with a bit of word association, it's kind of a fun way...
Mark Corrigan: Is it therapy?
Psychiatrist: Not really, no. I'll just say a word and you tell me the very first thing that pops into your mind.
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] He's trying to therapise me.
Psychiatrist: OK, let's start with an obvious one. Work.
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Snake pit.
[to psychiatrist]
Mark Corrigan: Snake charmer.
Psychiatrist: Just say the first thing that comes to mind. Money.
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Everything.
[to psychiatrist]
Mark Corrigan: Not everything.
Psychiatrist: Children.
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Blind.
[to psychiatrist]
Mark Corrigan: Er, short.
Psychiatrist: Father.
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Führer.
[to psychiatrist]
Mark Corrigan: Football.
Psychiatrist: Mother.
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Sophie.
[to psychiatrist]
Mark Corrigan: Fuck! No, not fuck.

[Mark and Jeremy are crouching behind a bush in Sophie's back garden]
Mark Corrigan: This is the ultimate!
Jeremy Usborne: Yes, siree. It's payback time. And she's paying back... in fear dollars!
Mark Corrigan: Yeah, so what are you going to say?
Jeremy Usborne: [Dialling Sophie's number on his mobile phone] I thought I might just say I'm going to cut her up and leave her in buckets.
Mark Corrigan: What? No! Don't say that! Jesus, that's horrible! Just say something like... ask "Is Mrs Hugh Jass there?" No, no, not that, she's got a thing about her bum. Uh, how about Mike Hunt? No, no...

Toni: Jeremy, we're two single people having a great time. If you can't handle that, then go back to the 50s.
Super Hans: Yeah. Yeah, maybe you should make a move, mate.
Jeremy Usborne: OK, yeah, mate. I'll make a move, how about this for a move?
[he grabs Mark's hand holding the pepper spray and sprays it into Super Hans's eyes]
Super Hans: AHH! Ah, fuck me!
[Jeremy starts kicking him]
Mark Corrigan: Jeremy, that's enough! Jez, there's no need to...
[he sprays the pepper spray in Jeremy's face]
Jeremy Usborne: AGGHH! Arghh, you fucking sprayed me! You fucking sprayed me!
Mark Corrigan: It's for your own good!

[Mark goes into Barbara's empty office]
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Hey, Barbara. Thought we should have a follow-up meeting, re: the phones thing. Oh, you're not here. Well, I'll just leave my new idea in your desk, give you time to think about it. Yeah, so my new idea is urine.
[He urinates into a drawer]
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Loads and loads of urine, flooding your drawers. What do you think about that? Don't you think that would be just the ticket?
[He sprays his urine on a folder on the floor]
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Yeah, you're getting some too!
[a phone on the desk rings, Mark answers it]
Mark Corrigan: JLB Credit. Fuck off, please!
[He puts the phone down and picks up a letter lying on the desk]
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] What? From Sophie? Application letter to...? She did it. She stiffed me. Well, Sophie's drawer's getting a dousing too! Or I could park a turd on her desk. Bit freaky. Pissing's OK, pissing's just horseplay.

Mark Corrigan: Jeremy, have you seen "Strangers on a Train"?
Jeremy Usborne: Yeah, sure. No one suspects the chef.
Mark Corrigan: It's about these two guys who take care of each other's enemies.
Jeremy Usborne: OK, right. And what happens in the end?
Mark Corrigan: Uh, I can't remember. But I'm pretty sure it all turns out all right.