Robert Webb credited as playing...
Jeremy Usborne
- Jeremy Usborne: [about their pub] I'm just really not happy with the name "Free the Paedos". I mean, can't we call it something more normal like... The Swan and Tomato?
- Super Hans: Yeah, or compromise? The Swan and Paedo.
- Super Hans: [looking at the junk-filled room which is going to be their pub] Oh yeah. Fuck yeah, look at this place!
- Jeremy Usborne: I know. Still, we can move all this crap out and put a bar in, what, over there?
- Super Hans: No mate, no way. Don't change nothing. It's perfect.
- Jeremy Usborne: Perfect? Super Hans, it doesn't even look like a pub.
- Super Hans: Exactly. I've been down enough bloody city boy chain pubs with their logos in the foam and disinfectant in the lager, air freshener in the mayo. Nah, I wanna run a place that makes a difference.
- Jeremy Usborne: Yeah, well, I'm sure we can sort that out somehow. Let's start by getting rid of this.
- Super Hans: [slams his hand down on the washing machine next to him] That stays. That's the reason I fell in love with this place.
- Jeremy Usborne: You want a washing machine in the pub?
- Super Hans: It'll freak 'em out! What the fuck's a washing machine doing in a pub? Jesus, I need a drink. Yeah? And boom, they'll have to have one of our organic scrumpies.
- Jeremy Usborne: Right, the thing is, Hans, as I've said before, I really just think we should serve at least one lager, and nuts. You know, people like lager and nuts.
- Super Hans: People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis. You can't trust people, Jeremy.
- Mark Corrigan: So, the pub. What are you calling it?
- Jeremy Usborne: No problem there. I mean, we're deadlocked on that, and a few other things, but I'm definitely not co-managing a pub called "Free the Paedos".
- Jeremy Usborne: Just imagine, me in the pub all day, but no one can say a thing because it's my job and I've got to be there. I'll literally get paid to go to the pub.
- Mark Corrigan: Yeah, I mean, I guess it won't be quite like being paid just to go to the pub because you'll be doing all the pub stuff, the barrels, the tubes, the debit card authorisations.
- Jeremy Usborne: Mark, do you have to live quite so relentlessly in the real world?
- Mark Corrigan: Have you done your market research?
- Jeremy Usborne: Market research? If you build it, they will come, that's my market research.
- Mark Corrigan: Your market research is Field of Dreams? I mean, a man who made a baseball pitch in his garden for ghosts, that's your role model?