Chris Barrie credited as playing...
Rimmer
- Rimmer: We, um, should be making tracks.
- Cassandra: I'm afraid that's not going to happen. The bulkhead's just given way and we're shipping water at a thousand gallons a second. All of the canaries will be dead within one hour except for Rimmer...
- Rimmer: [ecstatic] *Yes*!
- Cassandra: ...who will be dead in twenty minutes.
- Rimmer: The Canaries. You know what they say it's supposed to stand for? Convict Army-Nearly All Retarded Inbred Evil Sheepshaggers. They haven't got an X-chromosome to share between them.
- Rimmer: What happened to my life? Career, prospects, friends. I had everything, and I threw it all away. It's a tragedy.
- Lister: What are you on about? You had none of that stuff.
- Rimmer: You're right. I had none of that stuff. I had absolutely nothing and I threw it all away. It's an even bigger tragedy.
- Lister: It's only two years. But with good behaviour, it'll probably be eighteen months. Remember when you're born, and then you're eighteen months? The time just flashed past.
- Rimmer: It flashed past because you had two breasts as big as your head at your beck and call day and night. Give me that now and I wouldn't be whingeing.
- Rimmer: Cassandra, I have a question.
- Cassandra: I know, Arnold, because I know the rest of this conversation.
- Rimmer: So what's the answer?
- Cassandra: He chokes to death aged 181 trying to remove a bra with his teeth.
- Lister: What was the question?
- Rimmer: I just asked how you died.
- Lister: You what? I didn't wanna know that. Who's bra?
- The Cat: 181? Probably your own.
- Lister: Come on, though. Taking a bra off with my teeth aged 181. That's a hell of a sexy way to go.
- Kryten: So long as the teeth are in your mouth at the time, sir.
- Kochanski: [in shock after finding out Rimmer is going to sleep with her] I can't believe what you're telling me!
- Rimmer: [happily] I can scarcely believe it myself! I mean, obviously, you're incredibly attractive. I never thought you'd look at me twice!
- Kochanski: [still in shock] Neither did I!
- Rimmer: But apparently, we're gonna make love! Unbe-smegging-lievable or what?
- Rimmer: [to Lister] So, you're saying the future's the future and, like your underpants, the chances of change are remote. Well, I'm sorry. I don't accept it.
- Rimmer: How come you've not heard of the Canaries? They've got recruitment posters all over the men's bogs. How come you've not seen them?
- Lister: When I'm in the men's toilets in prison, Rimmer, I tend not to look around, know what I'm saying? It's like playing Golf. I concentrate on me grip, keep me eye on the ball and try not to veer off to the side!
- Rimmer: So, to summarise, six years of space adventuring; six years of physics and astro-navigation has led you to the conclusion that I'm totally stuffed.
- Kryten: Mr. Rimmer does have a point, sir. Your greater knowledge is making him pessimistic, therefore making his mind and his dough-like naïvete come up with a possible solution.
- Lister: Shut your stupid flat head, you!
- Rimmer: So what happens now? How...
- [sighs]
- Rimmer: how do I die?
- Cassandra: Lister catches you making love to Kochanski and shoots you through the head with a harpoon gun.
- Rimmer: [Slowly becomes stunned] Can you just double-check that?
- Cassandra: I've seen it. It's what happens in the old laundry room.
- Rimmer: So let me repeat what I think you're saying. Arnold, that's me, and Kochanski, that's the woman, the really attractive one you saw earlier; me and her are in bed giving it rizz, when Lister, that's the short dumpy one with the stupid haircut, walks in and shoots me through the head while I'm making love to Kochanski.
- Cassandra: That is what's going to happen.
- Rimmer: FANTASTIC.