Chris Barrie: Rimmer

Holoship

Rimmer

[Rimmer addresses the crew before leaving for the Holoship]
Rimmer: Look, I'm not much good at big speeches, and I know I haven't always been an easy guy to get on with. And I know that, given the choice, I probably wouldn't have chosen you as friends. But, I just want to say... that over the years I have come to regard you as... people... I met.

Kryten: What you're suggesting is immoral and illegal. Mind patching is outlawed.
Rimmer: But it *is* possible!
Kryten: Possible, but highly dangerous. The side effects can be devastating. You could be reduced to a gibbering simpleton!
The Cat: Reduced?

Rimmer: Wasn't it St. Francis of Assisi himself who said "Never give a sucker an even break"?
Kryten: Well if he did, sir, it was strictly off the record!

Rimmer: [after watching a Casablanca-style movie] I thought it was the worst pile of blubbery schoolgirl mush I've ever been compelled to endure.

Rimmer: Those kind of films really irritate me. Just not realistic. There isn't a man in the universe who wouldn't have taken the job and to hell with the woman. Total baloney.
Lister: Rimmer, you said that about "King of Kings: The Story of Jesus".
Rimmer: Well it's true, a simple carpenter's boy who learns how to do magic tricks like that and *doesn't* go into show business? Do any of us believe that, even for a second?

Lister: Whether you believe that stuff or not, it's about a dude who sacrifices his life for love.
Rimmer: Not realistic - as if!
[shrugs his shoulders and walks off]
Lister: You've got no soul, man. No soul!

Rimmer: I wrote a palindromic haiku this morning, perhaps you'd like to hear it?
Kryten: I'm afraid we don't speak Japanese, sir.
Rimmer: I could translate it into Mandarin for you.
Lister: Rimmer we don't speak Japanese, we don't speak Mandarin and we don't speak satsuma!

Cdr. Nirvanah Crane: We discarded the concept of 'family' in the 25th century, when scientists finally proved that all our hang-ups and neuroses are caused by our parents.
Rimmer: I knew it!
Cdr. Nirvanah Crane: Families are disastrous for your mental health. So are relationships.

Captain Hercule Platini: Attention candidates - to preserve the pure intellectual nature of this test, you will remain in separate suites. The questions will come through your headphones in a variety of different languages to confuse and disorientate you. There will be a total of 200,000 questions in this initial session. After you've completed the tasks at workstation A you may proceed to workstation B.
Rimmer: I shall undertake both tasks simultaneously if it's all the same to you.
Captain Hercule Platini: Mr. Rimmer, that is impossible.
Rimmer: Nevertheless, I shall attempt it.

Rimmer: [after undergoing a mind-patch to improve his IQ] Kryten! I was just thinking - assuming of course we're not dealing with five-dimensional objects in a basic Euclidean geometric universe, and given the essential premise that all geomathematics is based on the hideously limiting notion that one plus one equals two, and not as Astemeyer correctly postulates - that one and two are in fact the same thing observed from different precepts...
[makes a strange scoffing noise]
Rimmer: the theoretical shape described by Sidis must therefore be: polydridocdecaehedron, a hexasexahedroadicon, a dibidolihedecadodron.
[scoffs again]
Rimmer: Everything else is poppycock. Isn't that so?