Roseanne Barr credited as playing...
Roseanne Conner
- Darlene: Trust me. He goes in that room cause it's the only one with a lock on it, and he's in there for like an hour at a time; which either means he's really, really good at it... or really, really bad at it.
- Dan Conner: Aw, God!
- Roseanne: Well I don't want you to give him any grief about this, ya know, cause you could traumatize him and turn him into a serial killer, or something.
- Darlene: Well don't worry. How much damage could he do with only one free hand?
- Roseanne: [David enters the room in the middle of the conversation and sits down] Well, we ought to be able to handle this okay. I mean, ya know, it's just masturbation.
- [David stands up and leaves the room]
- Roseanne: [frazzled after DJ caught them in his room finding his porn stash] You talk to him. I talked to the girls after they got their periods.
- Dan Conner: *I* talked to the girls after they got their periods.
- Roseanne: I mean I talked to the girls *about* their periods.
- Roseanne: [reading the letter David is writing to Darlene] Dear Darlene, I really really miss you. It really really hurts me when you don't call. I know you're very busy, but if you don't mind...
- David Healy: See, I was going to get really tough after that.
- Roseanne: I was tougher than this in my wedding vows. Okay, here David, take this down: Dear Darlene, I am tired of your crap. You are selfish, moody, and most of all, ungrateful.
- David Healy: She's not ungrateful.
- Roseanne: Trust me, I've known her longer than you. And then you gotta finish up with something that'll really really get her.
- David Healy: I could tell her she's just like you. That'll kill her.
- Roseanne: Both of us with one shot.