Zach Braff credited as playing...
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian
- J.D.: As for me, I could overcome any obstacle, as long as I had Elliot and her ridiculously strong thighs beneath me.
- Elliot: How's it goin'?
- J.D.: Well, my bike is rusty, I haven't been able to feel my genitals since they first touched water, and the only thing I've had to eat all day is a half a jellyfish. Why are you here?
- Elliot: Can I talk to you about Jake?
- J.D.: It's a dangerous topic. Talk to Carla.
- Elliot: Yeah, anytime I talk to Carla about a guy, she tells me to marry him so the four of us can go to dinner together.
- Elliot: This Jake thing is still really bothering me.
- J.D.: Elliot, you know our rules.
- Elliot: Yeah, I've been thinking about that. Who wants to have a superficial friendship? I mean, God, do you remember how close we used to be? Dealing with Dr. Cox, dealing with our screwed-up families, talking about everything? I miss that.
- J.D.: This is working.
- Elliot: Not for me! I wanna be able to tell you that my boyfriend really freaked me out.
- J.D.: Well, if he freaked you out, why don't you go talk to him?
- J.D.: All right, fine, Elliot. You wanna know why? You're just like me. You're scared because you feel like you haven't accomplished anything with your life. But instead of running a triathlon, you're pushing forward with a guy you don't belong with. And you know as well as I do, one of these days he's gonna open up a bottle of white wine for you when you really prefer red, except you never told him that; and you wanna know why? It's because he's not right for you, Elliot. Are you happy now?
- Elliot: You're pretty smart for a guy running in bike shoes.
- Carla: Fine, you can't live with Elliot, but you're not living with us so get your crap out by Friday.
- J.D.: Friday? Friday's my birthday. I've already e-vited everyone to a party at our place.
- Carla: Whose place?
- J.D.: Your place. Look I can't just un-e-vite everyone. I've got two e-yeses and 24 e-maybes. That's a lot of e-sponses.
- Carla: Bambi, I'm gonna put my e-foot up your ass.
- J.D.: It's a Mexican themed fiesta on the first anniversary of my 29th birthday. That means I'm turning thirty. Donde? 56 Walnut Drive. Cuando? Thank you for asking, ocho-thirty until upside down question mark. Sombreros at the door. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooh!
- Turk: I'll be there.
- J.D.: Gracias, amigo.
- [to Carla]
- J.D.: I borrowed one of your dictionaries.
- Carla: Fine, you can't live with Elliot, but you're not living with us, so get your crap up by Friday.
- J.D.: Friday?
- Carla: Friday!
- J.D.: Friday's my birthday. I've already e-vited everyone to a party at our place.
- Carla: Whose place?
- J.D.: Your place. Look, I can't just un-e-vite everyone. I already got 2 e-yeses and 24 e-maybes. That's a lot of e-sponses.
- Carla: Babmi, I'm gonna put my e-foot up your ass.
- J.D.: That's it! I'll do the triathlon!
- Carla: Oh, you don't know anything about triathlons!
- J.D.: Well, I didn't know anything about cereal inventing, either, Carla. And yet if it wasn't for a certain harshly-worded cease and desist letter, we'd all be eating J.D.'s Bananas & Nuts.
- Carla: You're not serious about this, are you?
- J.D.: Doug, I told you to stop pre-tagging patients.
- Dr. Doug Murphy: It's a slow day in the morgue. Nothing is written in stone.
- J.D.: You wrote a time of death.
- Dr. Doug Murphy: I wrote one-ish.
- J.D.: Get outta here!
- J.D.: Hey, remember when we were in college we made lists of all the stuff we wanted to do by the time we turned 30?
- Turk: Yeah.
- J.D.: Check it!
- Turk: [He shows Turk his list. Turk reads it aloud] Things to do by 30: Get married, buy a house, learn the difference between "Senator" and "Congressman." Dude, you haven't done any of these yet.
- J.D.: [Riding his bike in low gear, furiously pedaling] Talking to you violates the two most important tenets of our relationship. One, keep discussions superficial and two, no talking while my boys are straddling chrome. That one's new.
- Elliot: Why don't you just try a higher gear?
- J.D.: [Elliot reaches over and shifts gears on J.D.'s bike] Agh! It's like pedaling in hummus!