- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [to himself] Hospitals aren't as big as you think. Eventually you run into everyone.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Hey Elliott.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: [Comes up from underneath table] I'm not hiding, I-um-I was-I was just looking for my -uhm-you know, the... I was just looking for my dignity.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Did you find it?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: No. I must have left it at college.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: How could you let a woman kick you out of your own bed?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Baby, why you have to be so cranky in the morning?
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: This is unacceptable. You said we were gonna sleep head-to-foot.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Dude, either way the naughty bits are still in the middle.
- Dr. Perry Cox: You know, Bob, I've been thinking about all the times that you've manipulated me and toyed with me, and, well, I can't help but recall that children's fable about the race between the tortoise and the pain-in-the-ass chief of medicine that everybody hates. You see, Bob, the pain-in-the-ass chief of medicine that everybody hates kept running out in front of the tortoise and taunting him; but right at the end - gosh, I'm sure you remember what happened, Bob - the tortoise bit clean-through the chief of medicine's calf muscle, dragged him to the ground, where he and all the other turtles devoured him alive, right there on the racetrack. It's a... disturbing children's book, Bob, I know, but it's one that stuck with me, nonetheless.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Buzzy, buzz, buzz...
- Dr. Perry Cox: I... beg your pardon?
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Oh, uh, that's the sound of all the bees in your bonnet. And, Perry, even though I could give a rat's ass, I still think it's a pretty sound!
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Okay, fine: I'm sorry I slept with your ex-wife!
- Nurse Laverne Roberts: I think I'll sit back down.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: It was an accident.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Look... First of all, it's not like you tripped and fell into her... and then out of her... and then into her... again. And, second of all, you're smart enough to know that I don't want to talk about this; I don't want to know where you did it; I don't even want to know... how it was.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: A little scary - - Sorry! Jitters!
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [to himself] And here come the fireworks...
- Dr. Perry Cox: I know you didn't have any idea who she was, and I understand why you were too nervous to tell me. So, whatta ya say we leave it at that? I forgive you; you are forgiven. Okay?
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [to himself] Cool.
- Nurse Laverne Roberts: Damn.
- Dr. Perry Cox: [holding J.D.'s pager] Do you know how I know that this is yours, Farrah? 'Cause when I paged you earlier, someone found it next to a can of Fresca and a dog-eared copy of Teen People magazine. Anyway - long story, short: The whole incident gave me a bang-up idea; because, you see, I've got tomorrow off. So I'm gonna be on my couch, sipping on some scotch and paging you every twenty seconds. And if you don't answer every damn last one of 'em, I'm gonna shove this thing so far down your throat it's gonna make you take a tinkle every time it goes off.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: First off, I want to thank you all for agreeing to talk.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Bambi, you paged us here.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Be that as it may, I think there are some simple solutions. Dr. Cox, you're angry with me.
- Dr. Perry Cox: No, I'm not.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: And you won't admit this, but you're in love with Carla.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: No, he's not.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Actually, I am.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: You're starting again!
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Carla, you're mad Turk didn't trust you enough to tell you.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: See, trust, woman, trust!
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Whatever, the point is that Turk is sorry.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Not anymore.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: I can't believe you thought he was a threat!
- Dr. Perry Cox: I'm a threat.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: You're not in love with me, you idolioze me.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: If we could just try to stay focused...
- Dr. Christopher Turk: You're mad because I'm scared of losing you?
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Yes, because we're stronger than that!
- Dr. Perry Cox: [singing] Apparently not!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: You should be glad I never took our relationship for granted, you silly woman!
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: If we could just refrain from name-calling...
- Dr. Perry Cox: Oprah's right!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Lay off of him!
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: You're just pissed because you're still in love with your ex!
- Dr. Perry Cox: [slams his fist down on the table] Okay, that's it! Now, I have killed for so much less than that, and I'll damn sure do it again unless you all shut the hell up right now, and I MEAN NOW!
- [they all disperse]
- The Janitor: [Sprays JD in the crotch with a water bottle] Uh-oh. Looks like someone switched to big boy pants a little too soon...
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Sorry, mom. It's just - it's gotten really awkward with this guy that I was seeing and - - Yes, mom, 'Yay, I'm straight.' Look, I just, I don't know what to do; I mean, every time I see hm, I get so embarrassed, and... lonely, and... mortified... And I guess I was just hoping that you could - - Um... About a hundred-and-fifteen pounds?
- [listens]
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Phen-fen kills people, mom!
- [listens]
- Dr. Elliot Reid: B-because I'm a - a doctor, that's... how I know.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm not hiding. I was just looking for my, um, you know the... I was looking for my dignity.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Did you find it?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: No, I must have left it at college.
- Todd Quinlan: Ladies? Now that The Todd is a resident, he wants to clear things up so you don't have to wonder anymore...
- [He points at the different women]
- Todd Quinlan: Yes. Yes. No. Yes. No. And... yes if I've been drinking.
- [He stands there smugly]
- Nurse Laverne Roberts: Come here, Wonderbread.
- Todd Quinlan: What's up, doll?
- [He leans on the counter a few inches from her]
- Nurse Laverne Roberts: If you ever get this close again, I will end you.
- Todd Quinlan: [grinning] I'm changing you to a "yes" because you're feisty!
- Dr. Bob Kelso: [On treating a patient]
- [angry]
- Dr. Bob Kelso: You did... nothing?
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [open] Nothing at all.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: [with a smile] Great job, sport!
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [Voice over] Huh?
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Whenever a patient gets bounced from ward to ward, there's always a chance a high fever could be sustained -- or even caused -- by a constant stream of different antibiotics. It's call drug fever. And it's a good catch by Dr. Dorian.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [turns around before the janitor can spray him in the crotch again] Ha ha. Too slow, what now Mr. Tough Guy?
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [the janitor sprays him in the butt] That is so not funny.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Ha ha ha. Wet butt!
- The Janitor: It gets better.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Is it starting to burn?
- The Janitor: I would think so. Hey, uh, don't touch your eyes.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Uh... yeah, sir, I have a full patient load; I don't understand that you just drop this guy in my lap and expect me to make him a top priority.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: You want me to say "Ta da!" so it seems more like a trick?
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [Voice over] It's funny... I guess sometimes when you do nothing at all, things just have a way of fixing themselves.